I Love You, But We Can’t Be Friends Anymore

When someone asks me, “Who’s your best friend?” I still say you. It’s weird — the answer is like a bad habit I can’t seem to break. Just like your fingers used to itch for cigarettes, my lips still itch for your name, even though we both know they’re bad for us.

You were always my parter in crime, my other half. We always said we were soulmates, and we were only half-joking. We were so different, but you said that’s why we worked — I was soft and fragile and you were hard and guarded. We needed each other to survive.

So why did you hurt me? 

The truth is that I ended things. I doubt you ever thought I could. I always imagined we’d be friends forever, but one day I woke up and realized you weren’t good for me anymore. I may have cut you out, but it was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

People talk about how hard it is to break up with a significant other, but they never talk about how hard it is to break up with a friend.

No one tells you what it’s like to realize the person would have done anything for is no longer a person you can stand. No one tells you how hard it is to run into them on the street and force a smile. No one tells you how hard it is to awkwardly explain to your mutual friends that you don’t talk anymore. No one tells you how much it hurts.

But do you know what? No one is obligated to keep someone in their life who treats them terribly, who manipulates them and makes them question themselves. You were my partner in crime, my other half, my soulmate — and also the only person who knew how to hurt me the most.

I love you, but we can’t be friends anymore.

Yes, I still miss you. When something happens, I have to resist the urge to text you. I can’t even bring myself to delete your number. I used to read through our old conversations and try to pinpoint when it happened, when our friendship grew so toxic, but I realize now that there was never a single starting point. Maybe we were always bad for each other. Maybe we just loved each other anyway.

And I know you won’t believe me. You’d tell me that if I loved you, I wouldn’t have walked away. But the truth is that you can care for somebody and still know deep down that they were never any good for you.

Of course I love you, but now I’m also learning to love myself.