Why No One Wants To Screw Mitt Romney

1. Before anything else, realign your conceptual desires. Forget everything you know about politics and then hurriedly try to remember it, like writing down something funny that a stranger said to you in a dream, something you’re desperate to capture in those few fleeting moments upon waking, before it fades away forever… meet yourself in the place between sexual fantasy and your wildest dreams and most sincere regrets about foreign policy, sexual intercourse, and domestic issues.

2. This is a serious psychological position paper. We’re here to objectively analyze and discuss those findings with you. We’re perched somewhere between here and now and there and then. We’re curious about paving the road to victory.

3. Mitt Romney used to have subliminal appeal. Where did it go? Can it be resurrected?

4. THIS IS ABOUT psychosexual media saturation, and the sweaty frustrations of this modern life here in America. God bless the USA. We’re interested in where we came from, and where we’re going.
5 THIS IS NOT another internet post about body language during the debates. Any use of the words “bounce” or “bump” when talking about the polls or anything else are meant to be said with a twinkle in the eye and a giggle awaiting.

6. Imagine Mitt Romney wearing a cardigan sweater. He’s sitting on the couch in your childhood home. The rest of your family is either in the kitchen, or outside, or gone to the store for groceries for Thanksgiving dinner. Mitt Romney pats his lap and tells you to come sit here. Is he your creepy uncle or your grandpa, magically made younger? He speaks to you in dulcet tones, like he’s speaking to you from an infomercial, but he has all the charm of a funeral home director gene-spliced with a failed and bitter talk show host. Focus groups are fascinated by him the same they are by watching an ambulance speeding toward a cliff with the survivors of a plane crash inside and the driver has just realized that the brakes aren’t working.

7. THIS IS ABOUT truth and believability as likeable indicators of one’s suitable capabilities to be the next Commander in Chief of this great nation of ours. This is about exploring the mind of the electorate, and their relationship with the candidates. Put Mitt Romney inside you. Put yourself inside Mitt Romney. Close your eyes and whisper the word “moisture” in a whimsical fashion. This is an exploration of those familiar terrains of accepted knowledge, and also an expeditionary climb up the peaks of previously unacknowledged ground: Fuckability. Fuckability is the brand new day that rose on the fading sunset that was formerly mere Desirability, and the question is: Does a candidate have it or not? The candidate in question: Willard Mitt Romney, the former Governor of Massachusetts, the 70th of that state, and the current Republican party nominee for President of the United States of America.

8. THIS IS NOT about Mitt Romney’s sexuality. This is about you. You and your unpredictable maverick sensibilities. Mitt Romney’s sexuality is something you can not even comprehend. It’s a secret kept deep underground, locked away in a vault and even the Illuminati has no idea where the key is. Imagine Mitt Romney wearing cut off jeans and a tank top.

9. Strong Fuckability ratings = VOTES. Desire and Fantasy and a brutal slaughtering of that prison called Reality are all that stands because us and the White House!

10. THIS IS ABOUT a correlation between registered voters and likely voters and those who can not produce adequate proof of their identity (to vote in the forthcoming election), and the diegesis between all those concerned parties and the cliffs of madness that could spring forth from sexual desire inspired by Willard “Mittens” Romney.

11. THIS IS NOT a big fancy thinkpiece trying to talk you out of voting for Mitt Romney, or trying to talk you into voting for him. This is not intended as an advertisement, and if it was, it certainly was not endorsed by anyone having anything whatsoever to do with the Romney campaign, nor of this opponent, the incumbent, President Barack Hussen Obama, the 44th chief executive of this great nation under God, and formerly of the states of Illinois and Hawaii and Kenya, which could not be more opposite of, or more similar to, each other. That’s important, and a key thing to remember in this election cycle and all others: opposites attract.

12. Read this and pass it along to your campaign workers. Give it to your strongest of supporters. It belongs in the hands of the zealots and the confused. Print off a copy and carry it in your back pocket as you go into the voting booth. Keep it close like a powerful sigil, a talisman against the darkness that emanates off of the Other Side. How many times are you planning on voting in this election?

13. Excise from your mind the fact that Mitt Romney is a Mormon, a member of the Church of Latter Day Saints. Don’t even allow the word “cult” or “goofy religious followers” into your brain. An accurate and intensive examination of Mormon beliefs and believers would illicit nothing but hilarious results that would make you pity those folks so hard that it could injure you and inhibit your ability to exercise your constitutional rights on this coming Election Day.

14. MAGIC UNDERWEAR.

15. Don’t fall into the multitude of traps when discussing politics and the clear choice between the two clear candidates. Don’t attach “Obama’s failed policies,” because that response will be an accusatory question pertaining to Mitt Romney wanting to go back to George W. Bush’s failed policies. Don’t bring up Mitt Romney’s business or gubernatorial experience because it isn’t that great. Go for the tried and true: invoke the spirit of St. Reagan!

16. Ignore Mitt Romney’s laughable foreign policy experience. Forget that he was the subject of serious shit talking by England’s prime minister, David Cameron, who seems even more unfuckable than Romney himself, but far more clever. That may have something to do with the accent, but who really knows?

17. When the cold, dead, passionless eyes of Paul Ryan fall on you, look away, look away, look away. Find a copy of any Ayn Rand tome and cut it into pieces and let those pieces scatter, revealing Dadaist poetry, pure American incantations and directions to live a better life, but a life lived on the run from the fascist new world order that grows more powerful every time you change the channel or click on another link about which celebrities are fingerbanging other celebrities at after parties. They are all fingerblasting each other! That’s just how we do things in the New World Order for all the ages.

18. PRESIDENTIAL HAIR: Mitt Romney has it. The textbook example of it, to the letter. The super hero origin: That hair was what fell to the Earth in 1947 and was rescued from Roswell, New Mexico. We have been harvesting that perfect hair meteorite and breeding other follicles with it and cloning the results. Surrogates have carried that hair in its infancy, and those surrogates have been turned to victims because the hair needs nutrients to fully realize its power. As the symbiote grew to its full threshold, it was joined with Mitt Romney. He now wields its power.

19. Replay the first debate between Governor Romney and President Obama in your head, do it again, but this time, switch their hair around. Obama looks like Al Sharpton. Does this increase his power or decrease it? How would you describe Mitt Romney’s look? In this simulacra, does he come off as more earnest to you, or less so? Put forth a guess on his libido. Can you imagine him even saying the word “cunnilingus,” let alone performing the act?

20. So far this is all conceptual. We have done serious research into this subject. Shut up for a moment and we will share the details of that research with you.
21. But first: compare Ronald Reagan and Mitt Romney, side by side. Both conservatives, but radically different. Think about the mediums in which they work their mojo on the populace, but subtract notions of vocal inflection, facial tics, and word choices, well thought out or not. Think in terms of body language, heavy petting, eye contact, and connection with a viewer. If they were to have sex, which would be the Top and which the Bottom?

22. We asked over 1,300 people that very question and we think the answers will surprise you.

23. As a nation, we’re finally over the Kennedy assassination. We’re not as obsessed with car crashes as we used to be. Ronald Reagan, that sweet mentally damaged bird of prey, was the one who helped us get over that. Ronald Reagan reminded us of our grandfathers who came back from World War II with really good hair. That hair inspired trust and empathy that resonated with us past the apathy and wrinkled skin. Grim hate and geriatric vitriol are patriotic values now. Don’t believe it? Just go ask the Greatest Generation.

24. As we get closer and closer (less than three weeks to go!) to the election on November 6, do you find yourself growing more comfortable or less comfortable with the idea of Mitt Romney? Either as a man or as a candidate for the highest office in the land? How much do his personal beliefs or ideas about religious expression matter to you? As a human being, do you think he has “what it takes”? Is he our conservative savior, the chief spokesperson for a deranged cult, or some kind of Ballardian messenger from the world of tomorrow? Imagine him leaning close to you when no one else is watching and that he starts whispering things into your ear. As a candidate for President, do you think he has pearls of wisdom and awesome bedroom secrets to share?

25. Of the 900 people we interviewed, we can tell you with great certainty that Mitt Romney has inspired 46% (seriously, one percent off of being ironic) less flirtations with homosexuality in men who would normally identify themselves as staunch heterosexuals. About 2% of the men who spoke to us about this subject honestly did not know where exactly they fell on the Kinsey scale, and they were too shy to share with us their feelings on having a gay encounter with Mitt Romney in a truck stop bathroom.

26. We all know what “premature ejaculation” is. Whether we’d like to or not. How long before “retroactive resignation” becomes a thing?

27. Mitt Romney explains the tax code to you like someone trying to sell you a car he knows will never start again. Mitt Romney will talk you out of the test drive. Unlike Ronald Reagan, he has no facial rigidity problems, and that works against him. Watch the debates again. Mitt Romney’s “I’m listening to you” face is so creepy that it should be sold as a Halloween mask to terrify children. His hair doesn’t move. It’s made of plastic. Can you imagine this man’s prowess at oral sex?

28. Mitt Romney’s wife: Ann. They were high school sweethearts. Do you find that charming or slightly insidious and painfully misguided? In a day and age where most marriages rightfully fall apart after an average of about ten years, or less, do you not secretly distrust anyone whose marriage lasts longer than that? What are they hiding? Are they Russian spies?

29. Mitt Romney’s children and grandchildren: No one knows their names and no one cares to learn them. We could not care less. Do we want to invest in candidates with no legacy potential?

30. Imagine Mitt Romney hatefucking Rick Perry. Close your eyes and whisper the words, “Notoriously closeted.” Don’t ask yourself what that means. Don’t tell yourself. If you’re looking for dessert after that meal, imagine Mitt Romney giving Newt Gingrich a spongebath and doing a Santorum on Herman Cain.

31. Mitt Romney believes that marriage is a union between a man and a woman. We like Ann Romney. She’s portly but has an old fashioned cuteness about her that flow from her soft villainous features. We think she’s a little evil — she doesn’t come off as evil as Cindy McCain did — but we are typically afraid or ashamed of her unwillingness to weigh in on issues. We also don’t typically care for people who have had sex changes wherein they went from being a woman to being a man, like Chaz Bono, but we still like Ann Romney and don’t want to think of what she looked like in the confines of her original gender. Like a noble bird, she has spread her wings and flown free to a new land, one of her choosing. As Mitt Romney said best, she should be used sparingly in the campaign because people tire of her easily.

32. That’s a joke. We’re sure that Ann Romney is a natural woman. We’re fairly sure. We won’t know until we hear her weigh in on issues like “Forcible Rape,” Emergency Rape,” and “Rapeity Rape McRape.” That said, her Fuckability score seems even lower than her husband’s though, but we’re keeping that a secret. We’re locking that away in all our other binders full of women.
33. Mitt Romney is not a practiced showman, but he operates as if he is. He’s afraid to talk about his religion on a nationwide stage, which is a shame. He has the demented glint in his eye of a Born Again Talk Show Host. He’s not smooth enough to hide the fact that everything that comes out of his mouth is either A) moronic, and B) a lie.
34. “Theatrical Aggression” vs. “Dignified Reserve.” Which of those turns you on more?

35. Blue jeans look exactly the same on your grandmother as they do on Mitt Romney. This is the kind of thing casual voters think about when they should be listening to discussions about Libya and he said/ she said about when something was properly called an Act of Terror.

36. Who is your grandmother planning to vote for in this election?

37. Does she have strong opinion on the voucher system that Mitt Romney’s muppet running mate proposes?

38. Just look at one picture of Mitt Romney’s opponent, Barack Hussein Obama, and his wife, Michelle. Look at those intimate captured moments from the campaign trails they’ve blazed together. You can imagine that Michelle Obama experiences many orgasms in a typical night with her husband after a long, hard day. You can imagine slow jams playing as they bump and grind. Compare and contrast the candidates according to this data.

39. It’s no secret that there’s a strong correlation between how a person uses their words to travel through this world and how favorably fuckable you’ll find them. Trust, or the lack thereof, does not matter. We watch a man in a suit with perfectly still hair talk about job creation on TV and our natural instinct is to imagine this man having sex. With his wife, with other people’s wives, with famous male celebrities, perhaps even with domesticated pets. Invariably we imagine ourselves having sex with this man as well, perhaps while his wife, other people’s wives, famous historical figures, and animals watch. This is where the secret of our voting preferences lay, not along strict dogmatic lines of party platform.

40. Love is a metaphorical car crash, but sex is the grinding of metal and the sparks that fly off of that metal. Those sparks light up our lives and the blood on the pavement of the back alleys of our minds. A well-worded and precise lie is the equivalent of a nice and quick hand job in a car speeding toward a school bus. It’s absolutely thrilling.

41. Mitt Romney does not believe that a woman’s body belongs to her. He believes that a woman’s body belongs to the community around her, that the global village is more capable of deciding the best possible fate for her thighs and breasts and ass and hair and various reproductive organs. The heterosexual hegemony finds this view to be extremely distasteful. Or do they? Mitt Romney’s sexual politics inspire curious homosexual fantasies in the flyover states. The swing states not only flirt with swinging over to him, but swinging to a different tune altogether.

42. People are desperate for substance, to be told anything real, or true. Or at least tastes like true, but comes in a new low fat eco-friendly packaging. But substance leaves you vulnerable for attack from any and all. If you give your opponents nothing of substance and only fluff and political pillow talk, then they can’t touch you. Their eyes will merely eat your ass as you walk away.

43. Three more weeks. Ohio, Ohio, Ohio.

44. Will Barack Obama’s better, more aggressive performance in the second debate hurt Mitt Romney’s chances, or is it too late? Is timing everything? Has Mitt Romney not paid the price for his victory already? We’re referring to the millions upon millions he’s already spent on this campaign, his campaign which has gone into debt in waging this battle across the land. Mitt Romney is funded by Templars.

45. Ponder the rictus of Mitt Romney. Is it full of desperation or hope? Imagine him eating a submarine sandwich, made by American submarine sandwich makers, but loaded up with too much mayonnaise. Does this have any push or pull on your voting desires?

46. Imagine the actor who will portray Mitt Romney in the sequel to Game Change. Imagine the actor who will portray Mitt Romney in the inevitable porno version of this current election battle. Can you imagine that actor appointing Sarah Palin the ambassador to Canada or explaining the tax code to you and trickle down government while getting his asshole licked by a puppy?

47. The War on Women is currently being waged and lost by Mitt Romney. Will the unfuckable candidate successfully repel the unfuckable harpies and harlots who are determined to do typical men’s work such as “thinking” and “speaking with authority on issues”?

48. Everything Ronald Reagan did looked like he stole it from the cinema. Every step Barack Obama takes is fluid and casual, the sway of his well tailored pants softly telling you, “I got this.” Why does Mitt Romney look so uncomfortable in everything he does? Can he snatch a victory from the jaws of defeat when no one imagines him and “vaginal intercourse” in the same sentence?

49. Is there something wrong with Mitt Romney? Or is there something wrong with us? The Quantum Theory of Mitt Romney states that he can be anything to anyone at anytime. But that theory seems to not take into account the sustained probability entanglements of losing this election, especially when the next four years are at stake. This flies in the face of everything we know, like gravity, entropy, and Freakanomics. In the words of Wittgenstein: “You get tragedy where the tree, instead of bending, breaks.”

50. To what extent does your own fuckability score weigh in on your vote in this election? And can the outcome of this electoral contest be fucked with further, or is it well and truly fucked?