The first time I cried over a boy was in the 3rd grade. My mom consoled me by telling me that I was beautiful and that if a boy was treating me exceptionally mean, he was hiding that he liked me. I felt much better believing what little girls everywhere are taught at a young age-that when boys chased us around the playground, pulled our hair and called us gross, it was really because they liked us.

That dysfunctional seed gets planted early on. With that, sadly, most of us learned to believe that in order for someone to deal with their feelings of desiring another they have to either play the opposite game or run away.

This need to cover up a positive healthy emotion of caring deeply about another person in a special, more than friends way never made sense to me. And more, if you felt something so great, why wasn’t it acceptable to just say it and show it without all the bull shit? Isn’t that the easiest way to get what you want?

Being an upfront person, I always wanted to say how I felt when I was crazy about someone. But throughout the years, I noticed that whenever I did, no matter how confident I was or how into me I thought someone was, 9 times out of 10 he was a goner. So I often played the game back because I had no other choice aside from moving the hell on to the next guy. But I was young and stupid AF.

What I didn’t realize was that this game was not my issue, it was the guys’ I was choosing. And unfortunately, even though we aren’t in 3rd grade anymore, for some it still is. And in most situations, the issue is usually along these lines:

Insecurity

A guy who feels the need to bait and switch you is insecure. This guy will do everything to show interest and when it’s reciprocated, their initial effort and interest dissipates because insecure guys like and need to feel the upper hand. He likely has an ego he portrays to be very large but ironically he’s like a sad little child being told he isn’t good enough. He can only confirm how great he is when a girl is chasing him and throwing herself at him, which is what he needs for that confirmation.

What he doesn’t realize is that most of these girls only chase him, not because he’s the man, but because she can’t tie him down. What he really needs is a reality check, being a douchebag should not boost your ego, landing a girl who you are worthy of should.

Fear

I’m not a fan of using fear as an excuse, because when you want something bad enough, fear shouldn’t stop you. But for some this isn’t always the case. Giving into his emotions of really liking you and wanting to be with you makes a fearful guy vulnerable. When he’s vulnerable he’s risking giving up his freedom to do what or whoever the hell he wants. Weak men don’t want to feel weaker by giving up their power to any woman.

Strong men, however, will never react to fear and stay who they are regardless of their feelings for a woman. They also see committing to someone else as an opportunity to become a greater man, not a scared pussy.

Immaturity

When a guy doesn’t have his shit together, he is usually aware and self-conscious of it no matter how hard he tries to hide it. This guy does not need a reminder of his lack of progression from anyone. So when a girl comes along that wants more of him, even if she doesn’t care about his current status in life, the only way for him to bury that is to run before she gets too close. This run is usually to another girl who doesn’t have her shit together either so he doesn’t feel as bad about himself, or to several different girls who never get the chance to get close enough to see the real him or notice that he’s accomplished very little in life.

What he fails to recognize is that by ruining things with someone who wants him regardless of his lifestyle, he stays stuck in that pattern that keeps him from moving forward in his life.

Emotional Unavailability

The emotionally unavailable guy has underlying issues that he refuses to deal with. This is usually a combination of all of the above, but what makes him even more unavailable is the distinct fact that he is stuck on something that happened to him that he can’t come to terms with. Whether this is something that happened in his childhood or in his last breakup, this guy fucks up every potential relationship he has because he’s learned unhelpful relationship patterns at some point in his life and won’t work through them.

Emotionally unavailable guys sabotage even the best situations because it’s easier to hurt someone else before they get hurt like they have in the past. What’s really sad here is not only that their past has nothing to do with someone new, but that they are closing themselves off to happier and more positive experiences in their future that can help them move forward. However, their pride won’t let them admit there’s a problem there.

Control

Guys who need to control every aspect of their lives have trouble relinquishing any part of themselves to anyone that can possibly change who they are or what plans they have set in their mind for themselves. Possibilities are not endless with him because it’s only about what they want or see happening to them. Encountering anyone that might challenge their status quo will probably result in them ghosting to avoid losing control.

It’s not just control over their plans in life, but there’s also a need to control what happens to them. This is why they often end something before it even starts, because they chose it- not someone else.

If you’ve ever wondered how a fuckboy was bred, chances are, it was out of one or all of the above scenarios. Obviously if a guy is playing all sorts of games and won’t verbalize how he feels, let’s not underestimate the very plain and simple explanation that he may just be an asshole or just isn’t that into you. Smart girls should be able to tell the difference.

However, if you find yourself navigating a situation with someone that blows hot and cold, it’s hard to not blame yourself and ask what the hell is wrong with you, especially when your gut is telling you that there is something special between you two. But- if you’re afraid of pushing him away by saying how either one of you feels even when it’s obvious, it’s likely that you’ve encountered someone else’s issue that has nothing to do with you- no matter how much they try to make you feel like it does. So move on because you can’t fix someone else’s issues or save them.

Unfortunately, for guys who can’t look at themselves deep enough to realize why they act this way when faced with their feelings for another, they ruin the best things that come their way. And they will continue to do it if they can’t be upfront because they take unresolved parts of themselves wherever they go.

Breaking patterns and confronting issues is never easy for anyone, especially men. But that first step in admitting feelings before it’s too late is much easier than regret. After all, you can’t just jump in your DeLorean and go back in time. It’s not 1985, and it’s not Opposite Day, so if someone can’t show what’s in their heart, head to a future where words, actions and feelings all align.