The Truth Is, I Miss You

I miss you.

I miss the way you’d kiss my forehead before I fell asleep. I miss the way you did killer singing impressions to any and every song – including ‘My Humps,’ by Fergie. I miss your family. I miss our extreme difference in movie tastes whenever we’d try to settle on Movies on Demand and you (for whatever reason – I still don’t know) so desperately wanted to watch Keanu. But mostly I just really miss that my days, no matter how bad, always had a silver lining just because I knew that I had you.

You were so much more than my boyfriend. You were my best friend, my number one fan, my strongest supporter and my boost of confidence.

I want you to know that I am truly doing my absolute best to understand why severing ties with me so suddenly would be the solution to your state of unhappiness. Because I love you, I respect your decision, but please know the lack of closure you’ve provided me with has been confusing, emotionally draining and very hurtful.

I want more than anything for you to be happy. When I met you, I was in such a dark, unhappy place and you brought such joy and happiness in my life that that’s all I want for you, too. I feel as though it’s been my duty as your girlfriend to repay you with the love, kindness and happiness you made me feel when I needed it most. If what makes you happy is no longer being a part of my life, then I do not want you to be in it.

Of course, this is easy for me to say – but it’s hard for me to believe those words as I type them out. I want more than anything for things to go back to the way they were, but I’m afraid that you no longer wish for the same thing. I’m unsure where I went wrong that I could no longer provide you with that happiness and I’m sorry that you feel that the answer is to push me away.

I understand that there’s no “right way” to break up with your significant other, but it would’ve been nice to have a clearer understanding as to why you no longer wanted me to be by your side. Then maybe I’d stand a better chance of thinking of anything but you and actually trying to move on.

I hope you know that I wish I could be there for you as you’re going through your state of unhappiness. Please understand that I’m hurting in more ways than one. Not only am I trying to emotionally adjust to the lack of your presence, but I’m also morose that I know the person I love isn’t emotionally in the best place and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I still have no idea if you are done with me for good or if this is just your way of needing your space, but now that we’re approaching a month’s time, I want you to understand how unfair it has been to leave me feeling this way as though I’m being kept around on a string waiting to see if I’ll ever hear from you again or not. And that’s the worst part of it all – is the last conversation we had going to be the last conversation we’ll ever have?

My mind has been inundated with racing thoughts of you and us for the past month now and I am truly trying my best at this whole “giving you your space” thing.

I’ve filled the painful hours with long talks with my friends and family, I’ve started writing more, I’ve read and watched copious amounts of Harry Potter (even more than usual), but the feeling of losing you for good always creeps back into the back of my mind and the sad reality of no longer having you sinks in all over again.

When I came over to drop off your things, part of me truly just did want to give you your things back for I don’t want to have your possessions just to be reminded of something that I no longer have. But another part of me was really crossing my fingers that it would give you some incentive to take the time and talk to me the way I believe I deserve.

I’m not angry, though I’d be lying if I said the feeling of anger hasn’t visited me this past month. I’m just sad, and most of all, confused.

I had thought that if the day of us breaking up were to ever come that I would have more closure and more of an explanation as to why. I understand expressing feelings and emotions can be difficult – especially in situations such as this, but I don’t know if you’re fully taking into consideration the way I have been feeling. Things have felt so unanswered and open-ended for the past month now I’m unsure what to think.

I guess only time will tell if our paths are meant to cross again in the future or not, but until then, I hope you find happiness within yourself. It’s true that you cannot be happy with someone else unless you’re happy with yourself and so I wish for nothing more.