I Don’t Regret Loving You, And I Never Will

You were a rarity. Not because you left, but because I gave my heart to you with no reservations. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t scared of the end, because I didn’t see one. I’m not naïve enough to believe in forever—not anymore—but with you, the idea of not being forever didn’t terrify me like it used to. I didn’t consider the end.

I bought you concert tickets as a birthday present. I was so busy with college, I felt like you would begin to think I didn’t have time for you anymore. So, I bought the tickets for a concert the following March: our equivalent of RSVP-ing +2 at a family wedding. A long-term commitment. The concert was yesterday, and I couldn’t imagine going, with or without you. The entire day was painful.

I refuse to apologize for the things that I used to. Caring too much, texting or calling too often, “annoying” you, fighting for us, whatever we were or weren’t, to work seamlessly.

I was that girl from day one.

Who you are now is a person that I don’t recognize, and that scares me. A person who uses words of malice instead of facing his problems directly. A person who only cares about his own heart. Such a change from the state I found you in eight months ago. I did my best to help you be happy, and I would have given anything for you to finally feel at peace. Remember that? You said you needed time, and I gave you that time. But why, in the end, did you do exactly what you ex did if you knew how it felt? I will never understand.

I’m not mad at you for hurting me. I’m mad at you for lying, pretending to be something, someone, that you aren’t.

You don’t deserve to know that I struggle to find days when I feel okay. Everything seems to remind me of us or of you and sometimes it becomes too much for me to handle. I can’t listen to Fall Out Boy without crying, and I can’t prepare my morning cup of coffee without thinking about you and all of the summer mornings I spent with adoring thoughts of you at the forefront of my mind as I did the same thing.

I can’t think of my successes without thinking about how you were there for them, supporting me through every bit. My first job, the day I started writing for the magazine, my first day of college. It all relates to you. I let you take my moments of pride away, twisted them into milestones for us instead of milestones for me. I need to take those moments back, think about them without you.

I don’t regret you. I’m not saying that to bring you any comfort. I’m saying that for me. I don’t regret you because you taught me that it is okay to give my heart away. You were my person at one time, and I don’t regret that.

I may be hurting, but I don’t regret you, and I never will.