Four Reasons to Sleep With James Franco

James Franco

You know how you have a list of celebrities you’d sleep with if you ran into them just like that? Or what about how you begin every relationship by telling your new girlfriend or boyfriend, okay, listen, I think you’re totally awesome and everything, but see I have this list. A list of celebrities I want to sleep with. And, um, if I meet any of these people and they want to get with me, I kind of, um, have to go with it…

My top five goes like this:

1. James Franco
2. Hayden Christensen
3. Cole Mohr
4. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
5. Lady Gaga (spiritual sex).

James Franco has been at the tippy top of my list for years. Why does he turn me on?

1. Dude is fine.

There’s just no way around this one. With his year-round tan, messy hair, brown eyes, and extremely chiseled/symmetrical face, Franco is just one of the Beautiful People. I’ve had the hots for Franco ever since he starred in that James Dean biopic on TNT all the way back in 2001. Remember that? There was something about those leather jackets, those motorcycles, and the rumored bisexuality of Jimmy Dean (the original hipster) that made Franco an ideal pick for that role, and cranked up his own box office sex appeal that much more. And have you seen his Gucci ads? The one with him coming out of the water in a tight fitting v-neck makes me want to immediately douse myself in Gucci cologne.

2. Dude likes gay dudes.

I think what really got me turned onto Franco is that he played James Dean. I never knew who he was before that. Naturally I’d already loved Dean as an icon, and knew about the rumors he was a big ole’ bi, which is really fun, so I guess when Franco jumped into the role I felt like he was comfortable with The Gay. That, plus he played Harvey Milk’s partner in Milk, and has recently collaborated with black gay performance artist Kalup Linzy. Oh, and let’s not forget about his short story in Esquire where the narrator’s like, “Would you rather be gay or be a girl?” And then the other dude is like, “Neither.” So that’s when the narrator goes “Don’t you ever get jealous of those girls in pornos that get to be on their knees in the middle of all those dicks?…Don’t you like the idea of an around-the-world blowbang?” Ummmmmmmm…..

3.Dude is obviously very smart.

To get admitted to the Ph.D. program in English at Yale, the top English program in the whole wide world, that’s no small feat. Franco will have to take classes, get Honors in all of them, pass a rigorous Ph.D. exam, AND write a huge dissertation. I hope he knows what he’s in for! Who knows, maybe this is the beginning of Franco’s newfound career as a sometimes Hollywood actor turned East Coast Intellectual Pontificator.

4.Dude seems humble.

Nothing turns me off more than an arrogant prick. You know the kind. But from his interviews, and the fact that he dares to associate with The People by going to school (even if he’s enrolled in 92 schools at a time), I get the sense that Franco is a cool guy. When he was at NYU, one of my friends was in a class with him, and didn’t know it until halfway through the term. She told me that he was very friendly, nice, and even hung out with people afterwards.

This fall when Francopalypse hits Yale, It. Is. Going. To. Be. A. Madhouse. Who knew that I’d ever be going to school with the top dude on my celebrity list. You know, the point of having that list in the first place is that most of us never get the chance to be that close to the stars, so it’s all a dream, right? I’m pretty sure that Franco is on everybody’s list, so there’s bound to be stiff competition to get to the goods. But hey, it’s Yale – we’re used to competition. Let the James begin.