Two Things I Learned On Project Runway

Season Eight of Project Runway premiered last night on Lifetime, the network for women, and I learned two things. For the first time in the show’s history, Heidi Klum is not pregnant. Ta-daa! I don’t know how many babies Heidi has, all I know is that it seems likes she is preggers every season. Girl, give that uterus a break.

Okay, so thing Number 2: apparently gay fashion dudes have a really hard time pronouncing the word “accessories.” Ahsssessoriesss, we lisp (self excluded), and I think “ahsssessoriesss” is only a touch worse than people who say “expresso.”

This weeks’ challenge (a low-ball) was to create a look based on an article of clothing from the person standing next to you. Not really all that inventive. But as with every episode of Runway, last night’s had a surprise catch. There were 18 people, but only 17 of them (possibly fewer!) would make it on the show. Ooooo. The first episode was glossed over as the last part of the audition. But see, I soooo wasn’t fooled by the gimmick. I mean, if you’re in front of the camera for an hour and a half, you’re kind of on the show.

Eight seasons deep, Runway is the same show I fell in love with seasons ago, save the fact that it’s on Lametime, or that over the course of an hour and a half I’m assaulted by commercial after commercial for post-menopausal lady products and treatments for fibromyalgia. The only thing I really can’t stand, though, is Heidi Klum’s helmet haircut. Every time I look at her I want to grease it all the way back.

When you watch these kinds of reality competition shows, you start to realize how each contestant fits a personality “type” – the Smart One (Gretchen), the Know It All (Ivy), the Crybaby (Nicholas), and the Really Hot Straight Guy Trapped In A Gay Dude’s World (Jason). The only thing is that I usually get attached to a character right away based on their personality or their design. So far, no favorite yet. On Season Seven, though, I totally had the hots for Maya Lutz and her hard edge and cloud of darkness. Come on, she had jet-black hair and razor sharp bangs, wore all black, designed only in black, and made a black ball purse with gold spikes crawling out of it. That’s my kind of chick.

Favorite player or not, Project Runway can really do no wrong. People love fashun, they love the cattiness, they love the eccentricities of the contestants, and they love seeing the process of making a work of fashion and judging it for themselves. I mean, for the first time this season they’re doing 90-minute episodes, which really translates to the same amount of show, only more commercials. And the commercials went on For. Ever.

But I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: the real reason anybody watches is to see Nina during the judging. What will she say this week?! “I question your level of taste.” “This is fascinatingly ugly.” “I don’t have to see ugly; why do I have to see ugly?” Bitch does not hold back. She’ll totally rip you to shreds on national television and stand back and look at you like you did it to yourself, you fucking idiot. Lifetime should just give Nina her own show and call it “Cuttin’ Up With Nina G.”