50 Aggravating Thoughts You Have When You Just Can’t Fall Asleep

1. “Okay, it’s only 1am, I can still get six hours of sleep if I go to sleep right now.”

2. “Were they faking that orgasm?”

3. “What are my student loan payments going to be?” *Does calculations.* “I have no idea what I’m doing.” *Keeps thinking about it anyway.*

4. *Remembers the time that I made a joke during a date I were looking forward to and it fell flat.* “Ugh.” *Continues thinking about that for twenty minutes.*

5. “I haven’t called my mother in weeks. She’s probably disappointed in me. She probably thinks I take her for granted and don’t care about her. I am a terrible person.”

6. *Considers calling mother at 1 in the morning.* “Maybe this qualifies as an emergency.”

7. *Realizes you’d just scare her. Makes a mental note to call her tomorrow.*

8. *Immediately forgets this mental note.*

9. “Is 28 too late to get married? Am I weird because all my friends are married at 25?”

10. “How many babies do married couples have now?”

11. “How do couples know what a normal amount of babies is?”

12. *Realize that the sheets need changing.* “If I change my sheets will I be able to get to sleep faster? Is it worth it to get up and change my sheets right now?” *Considers the cost/reward ratio of changing the sheets for longer than it would take to just change them.*

13. “I wonder if my boobs are firm enough.” *Wonders how a perfect firmness could be described. Decides there is no perfect firmness but still wonders if her boobs are the correct firmness. Repeats for 15 minutes.*

If you are a man then replace boobs with penis or pecs.

14. “I have a job but is my degree actually worthless? Am I making the most money I’ll ever make right now?”

15. *Mentally repeats all the things professors have said about your degree not being worthless.*

16. “Did my profs just tell me my degree isn’t worthless because it was also their degree?”

17. *Decides they wouldn’t lie but then reconsiders that they might lie.*

18. *Feels dooooomed.*

19. “Oh God, I can count the number of times I’ve gotten real exercise over the last three months on one hand.”

20. *Adds up the entire amount of money spent on the gym.*

21. “Do the people who work at the gym keep track of when I go? Am I on some list they’ve made of people who pay to go the gym but never go? Am I on an ‘idiot slacker list’?”

22. “How much money am I wasting by not going to the gym?” *Does calculations.* “I’m spending 35 bucks per workout. That’s insane. I should resolve to go more!”

23. *Begrudgingly accepts that the gym membership will just lapse. RIP gym membership.*

24. “Okay, it’s just 2am, I can still get five hours of sleep if I go to sleep right now.”

25. “Is my oven on? The last time I cooked was three days ago. Has my oven been on for three days?”

26. “Did I miss anything on my to-do list? Do I have too many things on my to-do list? I’m going to be exhausted tomorrow, I should go easy on myself tomorrow and put some things off. Is that lazy? I better not take anything off.”

*Remembers that the to-do list underwent similar revisions last night.*

27. “Do my coworkers like me or do they just put up with me? They didn’t tell me about going to the bar last Thursday. Am I a pariah? Am I the person that people feel obligated to invite because they’re so pathetic?”

28. *Remembers that one time in high school when things felt the same way.*

29. *Decides that life is just like high school, forever.*

30. “What was that noise? Was that glass? Someone outside? Is this how break-ins start? Am I going to die? …Oh, it’s the cat, okay. There’s a lot of places people could hide in this apartment. How do I know someone isn’t already here?”

31. “God, I can’t believe I got so drunk two weeks ago. I just would shut up. I must have been screaming at everyone there without knowing. I’m sure I was annoying everyone. No wonder (insert person’s name here) wouldn’t talk to me. I’m a monster. Is this how alcoholism starts?”

32. *Remembers every embarrassing bar moment ever.* “This is why I am single. I am unlovable.”

33. “If I got drunk right now would I go to sleep faster? Do I have time to get drunk?”

34. *Remembers that Mom and Dad already had a kid at your age.* “They didn’t get any sleep at my age so I’m normal, right?”

35. “Alright, 3am, no one’s ever died from too little sleep have they? Didn’t they do Army experiments on this or something? Wasn’t it proven that you can live on four hours of sleep?”

36. “I should reset my alarm for a half hour later and I’ll just really be extra fast in the morning to make up for it.” *Resets alarm.* “If I’m honest, I really might not hurry.” *Sets the alarm back to where it was.*

37. *Stares at the ceiling. Sighs. Flips the pillow and rolls over.* “God, my sheets are filthy. Is this who I am? Am I just going to go on sleeping in dirty sheets for the rest of my life? Is my whole life this filthy?”

38. “Do I really need a Netflix account? Maybe I would be able to sleep if I minimized everything in my life? Maybe Netflix is stressing me out? Maybe I should do more yoga. I love the part at the end where everyone sort of goes to sleep on the mats like in kindergarten.”

39. “I wonder what happened to all the people I went to Kindergarten with. I could look them up on Facebook right now but what would I say? I’m so boring, they’d just think I was creepy and possibly a serial killer.”

40. *Overcomes resisting getting your phone out. Scrolls Facebook, sees that no one else is posting and is probably asleep. Feels alone in the world.*

41. *Opens Instagram.* “These people’s lives are better than mine. These people never have trouble sleeping. They sleep like kale infused babies.”

42. *Opens Twitter. Closes Twitter.*

43. “Should I tell people on Snapchat that I can’t sleep? Will they feel sorry for me? Will that make me go to sleep? Will anyone answer? Is this what it feels like to be the last person on Earth.”

44. “I should turn off my phone. I swear, I’m always on my phone. Is it the blue light? Is this why I can’t sleep? Am I doing this to myself?”

45. “Did she subtweet me?”

46. “Am I saving enough money? Going to the bar and not saving money is okay, right? I’m young, I’m supposed to be having fun! Should I be getting ahead of the game? Am I making the same mistakes everyone else is without knowing it?”

47. *Ruminates endlessly about money and retirement. Feels the rat race descend like a swarm of locusts (or rats). Audibly says “no” to an empty bedroom to stop the oncoming panic attack.*

48. *Flips the pillow again and rolls over.* “Okay, it’s 4am…should I just get up?”

49. “I should call into work. No, I’d probably just sleep too late and not be able to sleep tomorrow. I should be responsible. I’m an adult. I have a job. I have responsibilities.” *Falls asleep thinking about what being an adult means.*

50. *Sleeps through the alarm clock at 7am. Gets up and rushes to work. Arrives 10 minutes late. Blames traffic.*