67 Reasons I Will Never “Make It”

1. Prefer 9+ hours of sleep per night

2. Last name difficult to spell and pronounce, but not motivated to invent and proliferate a pen name

3. Aversion to leadership roles

4. Have gone up to six months without listening to any music besides trance

5. Don’t have bangs anymore*

6. Lack artistic temperament

7. Don’t understand how a chapbook is different than a small book

8. Poorly defined personal brand

9. “The economy”

10. Can’t send an email until its contents are vetted by a third party

11. Often employ figures of speech and clichéd language

12. Computer is a PC which runs Windows Vista

13. No propensity for taking selfies

14. Did less than half of required reading for bachelor’s degree in English

15. No fashion sense

16. Don’t understand what APR financing is

17. Use prowess at “Harry Potter” trivia as interesting fact about self in icebreaker activities but have been outmatched in “Harry Potter” trivia more than once

18. Obsessively research at what age various admirable figures began making it for exclusive purpose of berating self

19. No Twitter or Tumblr presence

20. Lack confidence behind the wheel

21. Have not been photographed by a professional-quality camera since senior portrait by Lifetouch for high school yearbook

22. Too much body hair

23. Fear of socializing online greater than or equal to fear of socializing IRL

24. Don’t know how to write a cover letter*

25. Genuinely believed self to be only one to think of the joke “Mittens Romney”

26. Fear and loathe Brooklyn

27. Have interrupted an improv exercise by saying “I’m sorry, I can’t think of anything” over two times

28. Haven’t already made it

29. Passive in conflict situations

30. In panicked moments, will use the phrase “cool beans”

31. Original concept for this list was that it would have 500+ items on it but did not commit to the joke and opted for accessibility and less work

32. Instinctively distrust older neighbor in a related field’s advice to get a LinkedIn

33. Don’t remember 75% of things learned in high school, 45% of things learned in college

34. Unable to perceive whether self-reference is an attractive literary device for a humorous internet list or whether “meta” is compatible with current trends and innovations in post-post-post-modernist literary e-world

35. Feel alienated by motivational messages

36. Bite nails

37. Lack confidence using hashtags to comedic effect

38. Potential as a sexual object seems limited

39. Have reset Submittable password 3x more often than have submitted via Submittable

40. Annoyed by joke formulae like “It was [mild adjective]. And by [mild adjective] I mean [more extreme and/or diametrically opposite adjective]” but sometimes use them anyway when it seems like it will “land” well

41. No internship experience

42. Typically receive fewer than three Facebook notifications per day

43. Have not obtained a pair of flattering black slacks (“interview pants”) despite 4+ years on the hunt

44. Do watch Mad Men; don’t watch Breaking Bad

45. Limited ability to enjoy or understand literary theory

46. Extremely fragile ego

47. Don’t understand what an equity loan is

48. Have never completed a Sudoku puzzle

49. Tell, don’t show

50. Absence of strict policing of tagged Facebook photos reveals wardrobe to be largely unchanged since 2006

51. Dominated by fear of death

52. Cannot do a pull-up

53. Cannot tidily claim facility with Microsoft Office due to mental block about Excel

54. Unclear on causational relationship between faking it and making it

55. Rely overly on adjectives and adverbs

56. Lack industry-savvy mentor/champion

57. Described by a 7th grade peer: “You are so sarcastic and you sound like Sean Connery”*

58. Never drink coffee

59. Don’t share birthday with any great historical figures

60. Unable to jam, musically

61. Have Googled what AWP stands for over five times and still currently do not remember

62. No practical, theoretical, or ideologically symbolic interest in going outside while it’s raining

63. Have not been demonstrably lucky in raffles and random drawings, poker hands, McDonald’s Monopoly, or being picked as a volunteer from the studio audience

64. Not even one decent celebrity impression up sleeve

65. Actively destroying SEO via indecision over whether to go by “Madeline” professionally as mother strongly suggests

66. Bulk of creative output so far has been “Harry Potter” fanfiction written between the ages of 15 and 19

67. Self-defeating attitude

*Be The Change: Self-Improvement Lifestyle Overhauls Since First Draft of This List

• got bangs again
• am counting completion of the Thought Catalog submission form as a successful cover letter
• had braces removed two years later and lost “Connery-esque” lisp

Although Many of the Items on This List Were Included with a Certain Spirit of Playfulness and Meant to Be Offset and/or Enhanced by the Gentle Irony That the Writing and Attempted Publication of This List Is, in My Mind at Least, a Step However Small Towards Making It, and/or Being a Person Who Writes Things on the Internet, as if It Is a Sidewalk that I Can Not Only Use to Travel from My Home to the Wider World but Also Decorate with Crude Chalk Drawings of My Own Devising for the Pleasure of Whoever Comes to Visit Me, I Am Looking to Receive Literal and Direct Advice on the Following Item

43 (“interview pants.”)