I’m Sorry I Can’t Be Happier

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I missed call after call. I didn’t mean to leave you hanging. You texted me too—I’m pretty sure I saw them. You were celebrating your birthday while I was alone in the hospital. I was supposed to be there for everything, but I couldn’t, and you don’t know how much I wish I could have answered your calls or your texts. I love you, you know that, but sometimes it just doesn’t work on my end.

I’m sorry for dragging you down with me. It’s so hard to find people out there who are even willing to listen to the dark echoes. I end up pouring everything out to you, and yeah, it is a little too much. Overwhelming, at least. I don’t even flinch at the thought of it, because you have never seen the words I haven’t put on a screen.

I’m sorry I was drunk. No, I wasn’t out with my friends and drinking until dawn. I wish I had the energy to do that. I was drinking alone and reminiscing about everything I could have been. Everything my life could have brought me if I wasn’t like this. Everything in a joyful world. No one else understands, so I might as well join them.

I’m sorry I slept in. I know you haven’t seen me in a month; I basically disappeared. If only everyone out there had a heart like yours to keep checking in on me the way you did. We missed lunches and conversations, adventures and laughs. There are so many things you can do in a month. Who knew I had to rethink my entire future?

I’m sorry for the worry I caused. The one time I was truly gone for a moment must have been terrifying for you. I don’t want to cause that pain ever again. You have all seen my highs and lows and you still love me. Sometimes it just gets too much for me and I don’t see it. I love you, I really do.

I’m sorry I can’t be happier. I tried explaining everything to you, but how do I get you to listen? Your stubbornness and unfamiliarity with this will never budge. I never expected you to know what it feels like but at least you could try to understand what it’s like on the other side. If your solution truly works, then why am I not happier?

I’m sorry for writing this. I shouldn’t even have to write any of it, but the world isn’t as thoughtful as you think. I can’t give you everything, but I can give you what you want to hear.

I’m sorry.