18 Times Female Comics Reminded Us That We Still Need To Stick It To The Patriarchy

1.

“Our walk to work is not there for him to comment on. It’s not a red carpet, it’s not a fashion week runway, it’s a sidewalk. And believe it or not, getting the horny clap of approval from any guy does not actually improve my day, it actually creeps me out.” — Jessica Williams

2.

“Once [male comics] have a baby, they’ll get up onstage a week after and be like, ‘Guys, I just had a fucking baby, that baby’s a little piece of shit, it’s so annoying and boring!’ And all these other shitty dads in the audience are like ‘That’s hilarious! I identify!’ And their fame just swells, because they’ve become this relatable family funnyman all of a sudden. Meanwhile the mom is at home chapping her nipples, feeding the fucking baby and wearing a frozen diaper because her pussy needs to heal from the baby’s head shredding it up. She’s BUSY.” — Ali Wong

3.

“A woman should not have to pack a lunch to get health care.” — Sarah Silverman

4.

“I get labeled a sex comic. But if a guy got up on stage and pulled his dick out, everybody would say: ‘He’s a thinker.'” – Amy Schumer

5.

“If I have to listen to one more grey-faced man with a $2 haircut explain to me what rape is, I’m going to lose my mind.” — Tina Fey

6.

“These days, I strive to be a bitch, because not being one sucks. Not being a bitch means not having your voice heard. Not being a bitch means you agree with all the bullshit. Not being a bitch means you don’t appreciate all the other bitches who have come before you. Not being a bitch means since Eve ate that apple, we will forever have to pay for her bitchiness with complacence, obedience, acceptance, closed eyes, and opened legs.” ― Margaret Cho

7.

“People ask me why I’m so hard on men. It’s because they’ve gotten a really easy ride. And it’s not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.” – Chelsea Handler

8.

“There is an unspoken pact that women are supposed to follow. I am supposed to act like I constantly feel guilty about being away from my kids. (I don’t. I love my job.) Mothers who stay at home are supposed to pretend they’re bored and wish they were doing more corporate things. (They don’t. They love their job.) If we all stick to the plan there will be less blood in the streets.” – Amy Poehler

9.

“In the past, women did what they needed to do in order to be heard. My mom wasn’t allowed to wear pants to school. So one day she and all of her friends got together made the plan that tomorrow is pants day. The next day my mom went to school and she was the only one who had worn pants because all of the other girls had chickened out. And so she was sent home from school to change out and her parents were enraged, and that was the moment where she was like, no. I’m a girl, I can wear pants, and we’re all going to wear pants together.” – Lena Dunham

10.

“I want Jesus to come back and say ‘THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT.'” – Margaret Cho

11.

“I’m not going to shut up. And I think people only want women to speak for so long. They build you up, and then they’re just ready to tear you down. Like Hillary — when it’s really go time for her, I’ll definitely be active, and that’ll make people hate me.” — Amy Schumer

12.

“Am I a feminist? F— yeah, I’m a feminist. I think that unfortunately people who are maybe threatened by feminism think that it’s about setting your bra on fire and being aggressive, and I think that’s really wrong and really dangerous.” – Jenny Slate

13.

“A woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh.” – Wanda Sykes

14.

“It takes years as a woman to unlearn what you have been taught to be sorry for. It takes years to find your voice and your real estate.” – Amy Poehler

15.

“I never want to be called the funniest Indian female comedian that exists. I feel like I can go head-to-head with the best white, male comedy writers that are out there. Why would I want to self-categorize myself into a smaller group than I’m able to compete in?” – Mindy Kahling

16.

“I would like to end with my favorite Mark Twain quote: ‘Don’t you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine and life makes love look hard.’ That was actually Taylor Swift, but she does have a point.” – Ellen Degeneres

17.

“I grew up in a time when women didn’t really do comedy. You had to be homely, overweight, an old maid, all that. You had to play a stereotype, because very attractive women were not supposed to be funny – because it’s powerful; it’s a threat.” – Lily Tomlin

18.

“George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria, and was selected for a three-person U.N. commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza strip. So tonight, her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.” – Tina Fey