Lisa Woods

“We both realized that we were way more sexually compatible than we ever previously thought. Our relationship had been so shitty that we never realized we both had so many of the same kinks. Our sex had always been vanilla and gentle.”

We were just chatting on the he phone and she said “we should go see a movie sometime”

Me: “I’m not a big movie guy.”

“I was so in love I almost died of a heart attack when my lips kissed theirs.”

“The last 10 minutes have all been about his ex and why they broke up, in rather excruciating detail.”

“Maybe we don’t want something in us that has been in someones you know what. It is very unsanitary to a woman’s reproductive system. “

One particular night I’d orgasmed I don’t know how many times, I was spent. I turned around and gasped out, ‘I’m good! I can’t! I can’t cum anymore!’ I was all waving him off me trying to lay down.

He leaned over my shoulder, grabbed my arm and whispered in my ear, ‘Yes you can.’

“Dating is a poor audition for a long-term relationship.”

“I spent all f*cking night in her closet getting drunk while naked. Almost 6 hours.”

Why am I still single?
Brain: you’re weird as hell
Body: and you’re fat
Face: plus you’re ugly
Food: but I’m here for you

“We went to a Chinese restaurant and sat by the cheap fish tank. He told me the names of all the fish over lo mein.”

“My husband, on the other hand, is an only child. His parents have been begging us to give them grandchildren since the day we got married. No joke, they want us to have at least 3 kids.”

“Girls who think they’re doing me a favor by letting me date them. Nothing worse than them thinking they’re more important than you.”

“Death grip. I feel like a lot of girls think guys like it when you just grab the fuck on and jerk it like your pumping water from a well.”

Did I always love giving blowjobs? No. But, here I am today giving blowjobs and loving every minute (inch?) of it. Becoming a goddess (or god) of the meat pole takes time and patience…

“I’m really dominant and I’ve always been so during sex. I’d love to have the roles reversed one day. That would be insane. And I mean truly reversed. Not just her taking control, but her tying me down so I couldn’t get out…”

“When you come to us to unload, and if this happens too often, we are overwhelmed with the combination of our own problems plus yours.”

“You know those guys on dating sites who just post a picture of their dick without filling out any of the info? Yeah, that actually works -“

“There would already be a law saying they could have a week off every month. #IfMenHadPeriods”