Lisa Woods

“Dad had to explain the difference between “stepbrother” and “half-brother” to the daughter and why getting knocked up by a half-brother is not necessarily a genetically responsible thing to do.”

“Every goddamn time I go to the club with my female friends, without fail, at least once per night some fucko is going to try groping/harassing one of my friends, then get pissed when he’s rejected, and get defensive when we call him out on it.”

“We were engaged and I got introduced at a party of work people as ‘her friend.'”

Libra…Bullshitters

“On the rare occasion I heard another woman call her boy friend Daddy, it would always weird me out. I would ask, ‘Why? in my head. Now, whenever my girl friend says it, I get the biggest fucking mind boner. I don’t know it just really gets me.”

“It’s 50% ‘this is amazing, she’s so hot’ and then it’s 50% ‘don’t cum, don’t cum, don’t cum.'”

Every sign has their own gifts. Embrace yours.

“Split pee-streams, adjusting balls, deep emotional turmoil with no outlet.”

Got my ex to stop smoking, when she broke up with me I started smoking to get back at her. Now I have a habit of smoking. I’m a fucking idiot.

I was paid a lot to read excerpts from the new testament to one guy while I poured really hot water onto him. That one takes the cake for the creepiest.

Be who you truly are.

Ladies, better plan the wedding yourselves.

Sagittarians have a sharp tongue. They will say the words you don’t want to hear and don’t talk to them if you can’t take the truth.

Aries is always quick with a gun.

Taurus: Unstoppable

“Just love them, seriously. Tell them you love them. Take their face in your hands and say the words.”

Cancer: White

WTF is wrong with people?!