Lesley Arfin

I dropped a bomb onto his world when I met him in New York City and introduced him to heroin. I’m not even sure what he was more addicted to, the drug or me.

Maybe he felt creepy about that, but either way, I think he felt like he had to be very gentle and responsible with me, which led to a lot of anticipation. Then one night, we finally went for it. Or at least tried to. I really don’t think his dick got very far before I started screaming in pain. Have you ever lost your virginity? Shit fucking hurts balls!

During this period of my life the only reason I had to live was the idea that I would one day have a boyfriend. It was what got me out of bed in the morning, what made me put on an outfit. I completely lived in fantasy 95% of the day.

I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with him once we were “going out.” I had never thought that far about it and I was scared shitless. The minute I realized I had to talk to him, the exciting feeling I had went away. It was like poof, instead of turning into a pumpkin at midnight, I just turned back into a regular girl with underdeveloped hormones who loved candy and stickers, not boys.