Lesley Arfin

Exciting 2011 Facts: Juliana currently describes her relationship with Dando as “Leaving Las Vegas” [NY Magazine]. They played a show together in Brooklyn last Friday at The Bell House. I attended. It was awesome.

Portlandia is the kind of show you usually hear about almost getting made. It’s one of those shows that seems like it could’ve ended up in the swirling black hole of TV show pitches and pilots that never see the light of day, which are usually the funniest ones, living out the rest of their days in humor heaven with cutting room floor SNL sketches and alternate endings for Superbad .

I love drugs. I can’t help it. I love checking out and not feeling my feelings. Unfortunately I can’t really do life and drugs at the same time, so through the years I’ve found some loopholes.

Pretty and boring. I don’t like precocious children. How did that kid know how to make mac and cheese better than me? Like come on. You’re nine. Use Kraft.

The energy of the room was less like a punk show and more like a family affair with a hundred or so cool cousins you’ve never met. I wasn’t worried that my jacket would get stolen. I didn’t care that I was wearing Ugg boots and not combat boots.

I was miserable because I truly thought I was meant to be something better than just your average pedestrian teenager. There was no Freaks and Geeks yet; there was nothing that made me romanticize what I was. The Breakfast Club was funny but in the real life version of it we were all just a bunch of ugly kids with oily skin under oppressive fluorescent lighting.

It’s a pretty inventive lie if you ask me. I consider myself clever for coming up with it, but it didn’t spawn from a love of the supernatural—although that has always been a true love of mine—but from something else entirely. Something equally as forbidden!

LA: Do you think Hipsters are cool or passé now? Or rather, what do you think of that NY mag article?

GM: I fucking hated that thing. What a pile of bullshit. It reminded me of those Mickey Mouse courses in college where you were allowed to write a dissertation on skateboarding or mods or something.

In the Long Island hardcore scene, bands fell into two categories: “joke punk band” and “super serious hardcore band.” Hint hint. The movie was so stupid that we were like “We have to start a band based on this!” That’s what kids do. They take dumb things and make them dumber. I remember we had only one song. It was called “Mr. Jonathan” (named after the main character of Black Shampoo) and the only lyrics I remember were “Oh Mr. Jonathan/you are the fucking man!”

I was the Editor In Chief for two issues before we folded, but I SWEAR it wasn’t my fault. Or was it? I don’t know, but the founder kept her promise and was not mad at me. Staff morale was low because they missed they old editor and I didn’t do coke afterhours. The recession hit and someone said “PRINT IS DEAD!” and everyone suddenly believed it.

In my life I’ve done 3 zines. I found about zines from going to punk/hardcore shows in Long Island. Either that, or from Sassy magazine. I can’t remember which came first but in my memory I’d like it to be from going to shows so I’ll stick with that story.

I didn’t know that if you’re not driving happy, you’re not gonna be happy at all because the majority of time is spent in your car. Of course I didn’t know that, I’m a New Yorker. I never drive, I just listen to people argue on the subway during rush hour…

I dropped a bomb onto his world when I met him in New York City and introduced him to heroin. I’m not even sure what he was more addicted to, the drug or me.

Maybe he felt creepy about that, but either way, I think he felt like he had to be very gentle and responsible with me, which led to a lot of anticipation. Then one night, we finally went for it. Or at least tried to. I really don’t think his dick got very far before I started screaming in pain. Have you ever lost your virginity? Shit fucking hurts balls!

During this period of my life the only reason I had to live was the idea that I would one day have a boyfriend. It was what got me out of bed in the morning, what made me put on an outfit. I completely lived in fantasy 95% of the day.

I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with him once we were “going out.” I had never thought that far about it and I was scared shitless. The minute I realized I had to talk to him, the exciting feeling I had went away. It was like poof, instead of turning into a pumpkin at midnight, I just turned back into a regular girl with underdeveloped hormones who loved candy and stickers, not boys.