The Best Doctor’s Visit You’ll Never Have

Hello, how have you been? Just here for a little checkup, right? Anything bothering you? Oh, you have a sort of vague and misplaced anxiety about the condition of your health? Hmm, I see. Let’s have a look.

I’m just going to start with your head, right here. Your parietal lobe has developed quite a nice liquor layer; you’ve been doing really well with that. I’m starting to see signs of stress around the frontal lobe, though… have you been considering reining in your lifestyle or potentially focusing on the development of a more responsible adulthood? Mm. Hmm, I see. That’s no good.

You should probably, if you can, get a little less regular sleep. How many days a week do you stay up past 3 AM? Right, and is that because you have stress-related insomnia or a lack of personal discipline? Both? Okay… try to increase that to four nights a week if you can, either way. If you have any trouble try doing a couple shots and watching infomercials when you could be doing the dishes. You’ll think less clearly and your emotions will start to all blend together into a blunted hum. You won’t believe how much better you’ll feel.

You should take a bit more caffeine in the mornings, too. It’s good for you to practice predictable habits. With enough caffeine in your life you can sleep past 11 AM and then just pound a few straight coffees. If you can stand the taste, you should do those energy drinks… yeah, I know the labels are full of gibberish and mysterious ingredients. It’s medical stuff. Keeps your heart vigorous. If you get palpitations or shakes, don’t worry. Your body will adjust in a couple of weeks, and soon you won’t know how you ever faced a day in your life without that dosage.

Okay, just gonna take a listen to your chest here. Little phlegmy, are we? Have you quit smoking? What do you mean, you’re trying? Listen, in all the cases I see as a medical professional this is a major issue. If you’re going to smoke, you should probably just smoke, because you must need it. Trying halfheartedly to quit and then routinely relapsing is all right, but all of the back and forth is probably just creating needless distress. Did you know your lungs are full of cilia and mucosa? That’s hair and snot. Bet you didn’t know that, right?

Regular smoking just gets rid of all that stuff, and you’ll have less lung capacity to be concerned with, too. I don’t want you going anywhere without at least half a pack on you, understand? Good.

Okay, now if you can just step on the scale, over here. Ah, yeah, you are slightly overweight. Your body mass index is a little high. But that’s really fine so long as you still look good. Keeping your proportions in a regular state of expansion is a good way to ensure you have high clothing turnover, do you understand? When things get tight around your waist that’s your body’s way of telling you it’s time to slough the old fabric layer and buy yourself something a little roomier. You’re disposing of old skin cells that the laundry can’t eliminate, too.

Best thing for you is to stop worrying about your dietary intake. Personally, every Sunday I like to eat an enormous brunch meal with all the works — fries, bacon, cheese grits, sausage biscuits — I balance it out with a few Bloody Marys for veggies, and when I’m drunk and stuffed I sleep the day away until my metabolism crashes. That’s a pretty good way to ensure you’re gaining a half pound, a pound every couple of weeks.

You’ll hardly notice it until one day, bam, giant hole in your pants and then it’s time to go shopping. Maybe for the first couple weeks eat a huge brunch and get drunk on Saturdays and Sundays, at least until most of your wardrobe stops fitting. Sloughing off the old clothing layer. Here’s a pamphlet on it if you want to understand it better.

How much do you cry? Oh. Probably listening to less pop music is something you should think about. Do you have a family history of underachievement? Tsk. If you feel too sharp, spend a few hours a day on Facebook. You could try taking a couple of these whenever anything bothers you. I don’t really know what they are.

Can you sustain long conversations or win arguments? Can you pay attention to something for more than a few minutes without your mind wandering? Can you run upstairs without getting winded? No? Excellent. Excellent; you’re in great shape. I’ve seen much worse. Well done.