Here I Am, Becoming Myself

Thoughts fall through the abyss, thoughts with no destination or path to follow. The black of the night, like wisps of smoke filling the air, drowns my mind with anxiety and doubt.

Lonelier than ever, the voice I hear in my head is my inner criticism. It relentlessly repeats past conversations over and over, the seemingly unforgettable ones, opening wounds like broken glass cutting bare skin. A few of the shards catch the light, double-edged but beautiful, bittersweet but raw.

Emotions come in waves, flowing like the ocean, rising and retreating like waves on a shore. My heart is so heavy, it only weighs me down, sinking deeper into my chest with a pain that feels almost physical.

Every evening is like the one before – twilight fades into the longest of nights, which slowly blooms into morning. As another day begins, the smallest rays of sunlight filter through the holes in the blinds; I watch it hit the tips of my fingers and illuminate my skin. The shadows intermingled with the hints of sunshine dance and flicker on the wall, reminding me of freedom.

A better time, a better place, better memories – yet every breath I take is another reminder that I’m fighting to keep the past in the past, where it belongs. I’m pushing the darkness away, finding my own morning light in the places of isolation within my mind.

Renewing day by day, I wrap myself in ribbons of hope, reminding myself I am beautiful and loved, even when no one is there by my side. I fill myself with calm and gratitude, even when life takes a sledgehammer to my soul and threatens to crush it to pieces. Yet I glow brighter than I ever have before, no longer a shell of my former self, but rebuilding from within.

Here I am – becoming whole, becoming myself.