Lauren Jarvis-Gibson

Saying goodbye doesn’t mean feelings go out the window. Ending things doesn’t mean that emotions die and wither. Closure just puts an imaginary smiley face on top of your heart. An imaginary coat of paint to mask the hurt.

I want to tell him everything. That my heart feels like it was smashed in the concrete and stomped on and over and over. I want to tell him that I thought he was different. That I thought he’d be the one to change everything.

But just as I did, you will get over this person. Millions of people have been heartbroken before. But it didn’t kill them and it won’t kill you. You are resilient whether you know it or not. You are strong and you are brave, whether you know it or not.

I never want to be just a body for someone. I want to be seen through my heart too.

Sure, I don’t have all of my boxes checked off and maybe I don’t have everything I need or want yet. But maybe I don’t really need those things after all.

Life will always be hard. But I can’t spend another minute feeling sorry for myself. It doesn’t do me any good and it doesn’t do anyone else any good. So, live your life. Mess up. Fuck up. Embrace your imperfections and your mistakes. Learn from the times of heartache and rejection. Learn from the darkness, instead of sitting in it. And then get up and start again.

You said it wasn’t me. That it was just you and your mind wanting to explore. Wanting to search for someone new. Wanting new lips to kiss. New bodies to lay next to. New hands to hold. You said it wasn’t me. But I’m still here wondering, what the heck I did to make you run.

You see, without you, she’s free. She’s finally free.

You are not what your anxiety tells you that you are. 

Look for the kind of man who sees strength in you, when all you see is weakness. Look for the kind of man who doesn’t give up on you, no matter how many times you mess up. Look for the kind of man who never makes you feel belittled. Who never makes you feel like you are second best.

I don’t know what’s better. To live a life full of fear, or to just jump anyway? I don’t know what’s the best thing to do for my heart. Take that leap? On someone I hardly know? To fall, even though I’m scared?

Love will have to wait. Those boys will have to wait. She’s done giving them her everything when all they do is make her feel even more alone.