Lauren Jarvis-Gibson

Our months of drawn out kisses and sweaty hands clasped together. Our hot three hour long bus rides to New York and another one to Philly. Our Julys in the rain. Our Augusts of heartbreak and tears that grew seeds into our hearts. Our eager hello’s and that gutting final goodbye. The summer months were always ours, even when we ended.

Only when she left you, did you give a damn. Only when she said goodbye, did you open up your heart again. Only when she slammed the door, was when you grew up and changed. Only when she gave up you, did you want her back

The whole time you were convinced that you would be their right person. And that you would be the person to make a difference. To change their perception of relationships and being committed to just one person. You were convinced that you were different from the rest. And that you could make them fall in love with you.

He will remember that he was the one who ended it. That he was the one who tore it all apart. That he was the one who cared less. Who loved less. Who thought that that he needed to spread his wings some more. And he will remember the look on your face when he said, ‘it’s over’.

You pushed her away by not being the man she used to know. By not being the man she used to love and adore and give her heart to. You pushed her away, by not being good enough. By not being a better man.

I know that anxiety isn’t something that can overtake me. I know that I am more powerful than the thoughts it puts in my head. But sometimes, on some days, I give up. I give up on finding anybody. It’s easier to just let go. It’s easier to just stop. It’s easier to just let life take the wheel.

You’re too stuck in the past and nostalgia makes you bitter and miserable. Whenever you think of the past, you wish it was still then, and you can’t help but remember when you were truly happy and carefree. 

You miss being carefree. Not giving a damn. When you didn’t know what sadness felt like. You miss not knowing what pain was. What loss was. What longing was.

You still stalk your ex when you’re drunk. After a little too much wine on a Saturday night, you find yourself deep into stalker mode looking at your ex when he was in middle school. Do yourself a favor and block the poor guy already!

We become incredibly attached. Once time has passed, and we are in a committed relationship, we become attached and clingy. Why? Because our anxiety tells us this relationship is temporary.

So you’re single. Because you know better now. You know better than to give your heart to just anyone. You know better than to toss your soul away to people who won’t treat it with respect. You’re single because you know your worth now.

I need for anxiety not to control my entire life. I need for myself to be stronger.