Why I’m Petrified To Like You

I’m petrified. Terrified. Scared. Scared to like you and honestly, I’m scared to like anyone.

The last time I liked someone, and I mean, really really liked someone, he called me up to break it off after a month.

For four weeks I had believed he wouldn’t walk away. For four weeks I had been fooled. For four weeks I believed he was honest. I believed he was different from the rest. I actually thought he was going to save me from my single hood.

But then he did what everyone has done before. He left. Just. Like. That.

And once again, I was blindsided. Once again, I got hurt without warning. How do you prevent that from happening? How do you stop yourself from feeling any emotions towards someone you care about?

And so you see, this is why I try not to get attached now. This is why I try really really hard to not like you.

This is why after first dates, I try not to get my hopes up. Or at least I play pretend. I play it cool. I tell my friends it won’t be a big deal if I get ghosted. I tell myself I won’t get hurt by them this time. 

But secretly, I have so much hope. So much faith that this time it will be different. So much belief that this time, the cute guy won’t hurt me.

Yet, I find myself holding back. I find myself questioning everything. I find myself trying to distance myself from you. I find myself trying to stop all the feelings and thoughts and emotions swirling around in my mind.

I’m scared to feel things for you or for anyone. I’m scared to break open. I’m scared to give someone my heart and to have it crumpled up again. I’m scared to be broken. I’m scared to be in pain.

I tell myself over and over again that if it isn’t meant to be, then I’ll be okay. I tell myself that if I get hurt again, I’ll be fine. Like always. I tell myself I’ll find my person someday. I tell myself I’ll find love again, someday.

But I hope to God someday is soon.