When You’re In Between Being Happy And Sad

What the heck is this feeling? Is it numbness? Or is the cold weather just making me lose my mind? Like I’m just frozen, but I just want to burn or feel something that isn’t nothing.

I’m not totally sad or down about my life, but at the same time I’m not totally enthused. I think I’m just… comfortable. Which can be a dangerous position to be in.

I preach and I write and I talk about living my life to the fullest. I tell my friends, quit that job, it’s killing you! I tell my sister, buy that plane ticket! What’s stopping you? 

I’m all about making impulsive life choices like moving across the country, or taking a leap of faith and applying for the job of your dreams. I’m all about the big gestures. For making the decision to tell someone you love them even when you aren’t sure they will say it back. I’m all here for the huge and life changing moments.

But what about the moments in between? What about the life thats lived in the middle of a big event or another huge life choice? What happens to ordinary days where you are just living life? What happens when your heart isn’t broken, but it doesn’t feel full either? 

I’m not lonely, but I wouldn’t say I feel entirely fulfilled. I’m not anxious, but I’m not really calm either. I’m not bored, but I feel like I need to do something more than what I’m doing.

Sometimes, the days pass by me and all of a sudden it’s 10 pm and I have to ask myself why I just wasted those twelve hours. Some days, I remain untouched by the world, and I just float and float until the next sunrise.

But I don’t want to just be here. I don’t want to just float through life, not amounting to anything. I want to fall and fail and try to fly some more. I want to fall madly in love with my life and with someone else. I want to go on adventure after adventure. I don’t want to remain so numb to the world. So unscathed. 

I want to find some kind of meaning in every single day. Even the quiet and cold ones. Even the ones that don’t seem to say anything at all. And I want to find meaning in the in betweens. In between the happy and sad, in between the lonely and loving.

I want to find the extraordinary in the ordinary.