I Don’t Know How To Miss You Anymore

I wish I still missed you. Because if I did, I’d have something to cry about. I’d have something to feel. I’d have the privilege of feeling everything. I’d have the privilege of breaking, of falling apart, and of picking myself up again.

It’s weird to want to feel that again. It’s weird to purposely want to miss someone who I used to love. It honestly makes no sense.

But I guess in a way, it makes perfect sense.

Every fall, I used to walk by the park bench we sat on, and my insides turned to jello. Every fall, I’d walk down the sidewalks we walked and talked on. And I’d feel sick. I’d feel so terribly nostalgic and I’d just let loneliness sit inside my heart.

But now, as the leaves are turning from green to orange and red and yellow, I don’t miss you. Sure, I still write about you. I always will. But I’m not used to this feeling. To this feeling of feeling nothing when I hear your name.

I try to will myself to let lonely fill me up. I try to will myself to cry. To listen to ‘Red’ by Taylor Swift over and over again, in order to miss you and Vancouver and the way you held me.

I should be relieved, right? I should feel glad. Glad that I’m finally free from this heartache and from this loss.

But I guess what I’m trying to say is that I miss feeling something big. I don’t miss you anymore. But I miss feeling something that was more powerful than me and this universe.

I miss the feeling when love starts flooding my veins. I miss first kisses and sleepovers. I miss the dates that seem like they just fly by and suddenly it’s midnight and you haven’t stopped talking. I miss and how time stops when you kiss your best friend, when you kiss someone you are crushing on. I miss feeling everything so strongly.

I don’t like where I’m at right now. Because while I’m happy, I’m not terribly happy. I’m too comfortable. Too stagnant. Too content.

I want to feel the wildfire in my lungs again. I want to feel the sting of rejection and the bitterness of heartache. And then, I want to feel like I’m falling again. I want to feel the butterflies in my stomach and the beating of my heart as I lean in for a kiss and feel time stop.

I want to feel something, instead of all of this nothing.

So yeah, maybe I should be thrilled I don’t miss you anymore. But if you want the truth, I miss what it felt like to miss you. I miss what it felt like to love another human being. I miss feeling everything so spectacularly and boldly and colorfully. I miss what love used to do to my heart.  ]