This Is Why You Are Going To Miss Her

You are going to miss her, even if you think that what you are doing is for the best. And even if you think that you’ll be cool and carefree and chill, you won’t be. To be quite honest, you’re going to miss the hell out of her.

At first you’re going to feel free. You’re going to go to a few bars with your friends and brag about how you aren’t held down anymore. You’re going to think to yourself that you’ve been missing out on life and on freedom.

You’re going to feel so alive.

You’re going to kiss new lips and hold new hands. You’re going to sleep in new beds and high five with your friends afterwards over one too many beers. You’re going to feel so free. So reckless. So powerful.

Until you realize what you’ve lost. Until you realize what you have ruined. Until you realized what you said goodbye to.

That high you’re feeling right now? It’s going to fade. After the fun and the excitement of the new prospects, you’ll just want one. You’ll just want the one you left. You’ll just crave her.

And soon you won’t want fun with a slew of strangers. You’ll want the fun that you used to have with the love of your life. You’ll want just one body, one pair of lips and one heart to hold.

And the excitement will turn to dust.

And it’ll be your fault.

Because while she was loyal to you and professed her profound love to you, you were a coward. While she remained a believer in your love and your heart, you were too afraid to let her in. And while you were lusting after other people, she still just wanted you. She only ever wanted you.

But you blew it. You decided you wanted to live a different life. One full of one night stands, too much alcohol, and a lot less love.

She could’ve been the one for you. Maybe she still is. Maybe she’s the girl that would’ve changed you. Maybe she’s the girl that would’ve let you love her, and maybe she’s the girl that would have never ever hurt you.

But you were too damn proud for that kind of life. You were too damn hungry for more. You were too damn selfish that you couldn’t even see what was right in front of you.

And now she’s not in front of you anymore.

On mornings now after that stranger is gone and the hangover has begun, you’re going to miss the way she slept. You’re going to miss the way she said good morning to you, her sleepy eyes full of dreams. You’re going to miss the way she smiled at you when you kissed her reddened lips, and the way her hair smelled after she showered. You’re going to miss the tiny little things that you were too stupid to notice before.

You’re going to miss the way her hands seemed to melt into yours and how she made your days just by being beside you. You’re going to miss the way you felt so safe when all she did was glance at you. You’re going to miss her laugh and the way she said ‘I love you’.

You’re going to miss the beauty of her heart and the tiny freckles splattered across her face. You’re going to miss the way she trusted you and loved you without question.

You’re going to miss love.

And one day, you’re going to know that you ruined the best thing you ever had. And you’re going to realize that you ruined the greatest love you won’t ever have again. And you’ll know that you’re a coward. You’re just too damn good at running.  

Get your copy of Lauren Jarvis-Gibson’s debut poetry collection Paper Hearts here.