My List Of Deal Breakers

From: Witkowski, Laura

Sent: Tuesday, August 09, 2011 11:18 AM

To: xxxxx,xxxxx

Subject: Deal Breakers

Good morning! I had a lot of fun last night – I hope you did as well. I really enjoy spending time with you and feel really good about where this is going. When we were at the movies, you said something that caught my attention. It was on the subject of “deal breakers.” Your exact words were, “I could never get serious with somebody who preferred Pepsi to Coke. That would be a total deal breaker.” Since the movie was about to start, I realized I wouldn’t have time to capitalize on your breaking the ice on this subject, but I hope you don’t mind that I’m doing it now. I just figured I’d send you my list of deal breakers, just to make sure we’re on the same page. So here they are, in no particular order.

1. You must own a blender

The first time I visit the house of a new potential partner, I immediately look over their whole kitchen for a blender. I usually do this when the person excuses themselves to use the bathroom. To me, the owning of a blender is very important. It is tantamount to the first step in readiness to devoting one’s life to a loved one should an accident render that person helpless. What the hell am I talking about? Here’s the thing: For me, a huge relationship barometer is how I answer the following questions:

If this person suffered a closed head injury, could I devote myself to taking care of them, even blending up their foods and feeding them for the rest of our lives together?

If I suffered a closed head injury, would this person be able/willing to take care of me and would I even want them to do so?

Answering “yes” to both questions is tantamount to answering “yes” to “Could this person be ‘the one?” Not owning a blender shows you’re just not ready to get serious.

2. Kitchen sponge use

Sponges are gross. If you must use them, I have to know you adhere to a strict “dispose and replace” policy. Because every time you half-assedly wipe a dish or glass down with an old sponge that had been sitting in an inch of fetid, food-particle-laden sink water all day, I will die a little inside. I’m done with the period of my life in which I secretly and resentfully re-wash dishes again before I use them.

3. Towel care

I’m a simple person who doesn’t need a lot of expensive, high maintenance luxuries to be happy. But one of the simplest pleasures in life is getting out of the shower and drying off with a fresh, clean towel. The secret to this pleasure is proper towel care. There are three easy (and important!) steps: 1. Throw towels into dryer immediately after wash cycle finishes 2. Set the dryer on “high.” Also “More Dry” if your dryer has this setting. 3. Remove towels right away and fold. Letting still-slightly-damp towels sit in the dryer for days is a recipe for an olfactory horror show that you’re then supposed to use to dry your face and body. I refuse to ever again dry off with what smells like a very compliant-yet-stinky dog. Speaking of dogs…

4. You cannot like, have or want a small dog

Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE dogs. But REAL dogs – not ones that can be carried around in a large handbag through the grocery store as if that’s an acceptable way to live your life. If Paris Hilton would think your dog is cute, it’s game over.

5. Real-time television viewing habits

I like TV shows – I’m an American, so this is a requirement. But I don’t really “watch TV.” So people who have shows during the week they “have to watch” confound me. That’s what Netflix and Hulu and TiVo are for. Staying in on a Thursday night to watch The Office and 30 Rock? That’s tolerable. But planning weekday evening activities around shows as terrible as Law & Order: LA and Detroit 187? No. You are not 70 years old yet. Fucking inexcusable.

6. Ringo is your favorite Beatle

Nobody who truly loves music would ever choose Ringo as their favorite Beatle. Sure, there was a time, like in college, where claiming Ringo as the fabbest of the fab four was a mandatory part of developing ones “quirkiness.” But such a choice should go the wayside after you graduate – just like reading Ayn Rand and letting your roommate cut your bangs.

7. You use the word “loose” instead of “lose”

When I was in sixth grade, I remember my English teacher doing a short lesson on the difference between “teach” and “learn.” I remember feeling dumbfounded – was people not knowing the difference between these really a thing? I was incredulous. I looked around the room expecting everybody else to also be looking around the room in the same manner. But from the way my classmates were not only listening, but even taking notes, I realized I was probably all alone on this one. Also possibly the only sixth grader who used the word “incredulous.” Well, as an adult I learned the words “loose” and “lose” were two of the most commonly misused/misspelled, and I felt that same “teach and learn” disbelief. SO, if you’re one of those people, I’ll say to you, “Although I’m sorry to ‘loose’ you, I think it’s for the best for BOTH of us, that I cut you ‘lose.’”

So there you have it – seven totally reasonable deal breakers. Right now, you’re either realizing we’re soul mates, or writing me off as a neurotic, OCD lunatic. So if I don’t hear from you, have a nice life and keep periodically replacing your sponges. And if I do hear from you, why don’t you just go ahead and throw out some possible wedding dates? Why waste time, right?

Warmly,

Me