8 Things That Happen When You Watch Way, WAY Too Much Law And Order: SVU

Whenever you watch another show, you’re going, “OMG he played a one-armed child pornography hoarder on SVU! OMG she was the one that they found with a rake stuck halfway up her ass!”

By Laura Whitney

Updated 11 years ago, December 30, 2013

Not that I would be an expert in this, or anything…

1. Every louder-than-normal noise is automatically a gunshot

Automatically. There’s no doubt about it, somebody definitely just fired a gun, and you’re definitely about to die. I don’t CARE if the paper delivery man is making his rounds and throwing the papers a little too forcefully, that’s definitely not what’s making that noise. It’s definitely a gun making that noise.

2. You know how you’re supposed to watch your drink at bars?

Well, you take that to an absolute extreme. You guard your morning McDonald’s coffee with your life, and heaven forbid you leave your waterbottle unattended at the library for more than twenty seconds. Twenty seconds is all it takes, guys. Those roofie-dropping rapists are EVERYWHERE. Oh and you might as well guard your food, too, because roofies could probably make their way into that, too. (Let’s be real, you guard your food like your life depends on it anyway.)

3. You can’t walk through a parking garage with your friends at night without thinking that you’re about to come across a dead body

Real.

4. Friends hate watching TV or movies with you

SVU has had so many guest stars that whenever you watch another show, you’re going, “OMG he played a one-armed child pornography hoarder on SVU! OMG she was the one that they found with a rake stuck halfway up her ass!” (both, by the way, real story arcs from SVU) every five seconds.

5. It of course goes without saying that you will never trust a man again for the rest of your life

Strangers on the sidewalk, big Joe Schmo CEOs, your doctor, the waiter that just served you, the star quarterback of your school’s football team, your bus driver, that quiet nerdy kid from Algebra, your best friend, your date for the evening, your father, your uncle, the family dog, your pet guinea pig. They’re all rapists. All of them.

6. You’ve seen about a hundred thousand exchanges like this

DETECTIVE: Hi there, New York Homicide. We’d like to ask you a couple questions. So, what was Sally like?
PERSON WHO TAUGHT/WENT TO CHURCH WITH/WAS A PROSTITUTE WITH THE DEAD PERSON: UGH she was SO annoying. Never kept her trap shut. What a waste of space of a person.
DETECTIVE: So…she wasn’t well liked?
PERSON: Psh now THAT’S an understatement! Wait………where is Sally? Is she alright?
DETECTIVE:……..No. That’s why the New York Homicide department is here. Taking pictures of the scene. Referring to her in the past tense.

It makes you lose a little bit of faith in both the compassion and intelligence of humanity. But hey, maybe that’s just New York.

7. You have cried real tears over the fact that Benson and Stabler haven’t gotten together

But you still maintain a glimmer of hope that Stabler is going to swoop in halfway through the 15th season and go, “OLIVIA!! I ONLY GOT INAPPROPRIATELY MAD AND THREW PEOPLE AROUND SO MUCH ALL THE TIME BECAUSE I WAS SO DESPERATELY IN LOVE WITH YOU!”