Laura Jayne Martin

2. “I understand that some people might be into this, and that’s great, but this was very scary to me.  She really wanted me to drink breast milk — from HER breasts.”

12. Sexy Impetigo

5. The time they waste on what other people think of them.

15. That awkward moment when you run into your ex on a White House tour because he works for the United States Park Police and is trying to arrest you.

You’re not a real New Yorker until you move away from here.

The first one to make a joke about a “slutty [insert boring item] costume” loses—the ability to make good jokes right before they make that joke.

You’ve dreamt about it since you were a young girl. You imagined what it would be like when it was finally your turn to be the one picking apples amongst a vivid autumnal backdrop…

A lot of people think bow tie is the most formal pasta. They are dead wrong.

It was very quiet and cold. I had a lot of ground to cover and a lot of time to myself.

8. A Shirley Temple drinking fountain.

“What doesn’t kill you might kill others, but don’t let that ruin your New Year’s Eve, St. Patty’s Day, or Halloween.”

It’s funny that the beginning of great romances and terrible jokes start out the exact same way.