Laura Jayne Martin

Your best bet is a parka over a bathing suit. The bus has two temperatures: “industrial freezing” and “Egyptian tomb stifle.”

It’s time for you to realize that your actions have consequences. Don’t tell me that you never knew, never knew.

Last night a DJ saved my life.

“Wham, bam, thank you Chris Kattan!” (This is only really applicable if I’m playing Chris Kattan.)

The heat is not entirely to blame for my mood. Something bad happens every summer. Something even more evil than humidity, sunburn, and being peer-pressured into games of volleyball. In the summer, the television goes away.

When you were in prison I was chasing you on a bike with two flat tires and the bike was in my mind. You were going out of yours at 1,000 miles per hour. You weren’t running from me, anyway. That is a good thing I think, because there’s no way I could have caught you.

It’s more than disconcerting. There is just no reason for it. I have a robust personal vocabulary that is resplendent with adjectives. Yet, “awesome” persists.

NYC Pride is a beautiful time to celebrate the LGBT community and love, to protest inequality and hate, to raise awareness, and/or to dance the clothes straight off of one’s body. Here are four of the many things I love about it.

Like all the best movies, they are not too short (Tobias Fünke), nor too long (90s Sk8r boys). Like all the best American flags, they are not too faded nor too ripped. Like all the best Canadian tuxedos, they are made from denim.

Actually, the origin story of the tie is way more interesting than receiving one as a gift, so my advice is to buy your father a book on the history of ties instead. There are several great ones. I recommend you stick to the classics.

Sure, I’ve suppressed the urge for years to have super loud conversations in the hallway, or right outside your window, at all times of the day or night. I mean, I want to do it, I yearn to just relentlessly yak about nothing, literally all the time, in a booming voice. But I’m keenly aware that other people live here too.

Most of these are not songs I am in the habit of listening to now, but I have heard them due to phases in my life, accidents, poor judgment, middle school dances, or car rides.