Laura Jayne Martin

The “Smokey Eye” is officially over. There is a new eye in town and, like post-Bloomberg New York, it is entirely smoke-free.

Pull out all the classic embarrassing moves like the Running Man, The Moonwalk, The Tootsie Roll, The Whoomp! There It Is, The Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em, The Lawnmower, The Stinky Cable Car, The New Hampshire Stapler, The Spinning Top from Inception, A Triple Salchow, The Mayor Bloomberg, The Hospital Corner, The China Syndrome, The Mentalist, and anything else I might have just made up.

I wonder: has anyone ever dated me for my jeans? How can I be absolutely sure that my girlfriend of more than five years isn’t just playing the long game for the ultimate prize?

Have you ever seen just one red grape hanging out alone in the park reading a book? When’s the last time you heard of a single grape signing up for an Outward Bound solo? Never, the answer is never.

The entire House of Dior abstains from voting due to the fact that they are currently attending a secret loft party.

For example, if someone watches one episode of American Idol, then must merely watch twelve episodes of The Wire or one Louie to rebuild the stolen brain cells.

What am I saying? It’s in my bag. Of course, let me just dig around in here. Well, I don’t feel a twenty. Stop. Let’s do this logically. I’ll just dump everything in my bag out on the table. There’s my lip balm, oh that’s where I put those headphones, now if I could just find—no, it’s not in here either!

Do you think sharks are thinking this much about us? Have they ever even stopped swimming around for five minutes to thank us for naming the cooler gang after them in West Side Story? No.

8. From High School

Tonally, Megaroom was a place on just the right side of nostalgia and escape. It was not our gossamer-filtered stagnant tomb of stickers, perfume bottles, and Catholic devotional items. It was a place to take a vacation, but not a permanent one. When we returned to the real world, it was as if we had never even left.

In food fights, just as in life, the best offense is a good defense, which is why I always wear Oakleys on my neck to protect the eyes I had installed in the back of my head.

When you think about what will shape the lives of the people of earth, you think of a few things: baby names, baby names, and baby names.