Laura Jayne Martin

8. It will be long. There will be jokes about it being long.

If your boss is hiding under your bed a lot try working late at the office. Another option is to rent out your house to a group of unsuspecting teenagers.

I think it is important to offer options for people who want to present themselves physically without gender specifications.

17. “Be Mine, Like the Ones Filled Of Gold That Have Displaced Thousands in the Darfur Region”

I’m tired of listening to overused sexual metaphors. I want the next person who raps about candy to actually be talking about candy.

I searched, emailed people to call me, and finally Facebooked (it’s a verb in emergency situations) my sister who called my home phone. Deadbeat tip: people can call your home phone even when you can’t call out.

These chips are handcrafted just like your grandfather and his grandfather used to make them, back in the old country where men took the time to learn the art of cheese-dusting from the age of four.

You sit down in a chair and tell me a gorgeous story filled with adventure and profanity. I lean forward. You lean forward. This was the first time I ever saw you.

Are you trying to log in to an ottoman? Those can be tricky.

Don’t beat yourself up for not having read a single item about GIRLS until this one.

You will immediately be attacked in the ears by powerful sonic violence called an “in store experience.” That is when you remove your windbreaker. Next wrap it around your upper face so it muffles your hearing like a protective headband. Improvisation is the key to survival.

I’ve never been to a concert alone, until tonight.