Laura Jayne Martin

You have a ton of really nice furniture and you love to make people feel inadequate, so maybe in another life we could have dated for a few months.

My doctor’s office has gone electronic. They have put all of their medical files into a computer software system. Now all of my colds are zeros and ones.

2. Reenact the entire shooting script of Hocus Pocus.

11. “What your Instagram picture of the Facebook profile that you tweeted says about you”

1. Getting in fights at a farmer’s market.

5. We Need to Talk…About We Need to Talk About Kevin: A podcast where my guests each week are a couple that finally breaks up by arguing about the movie We Need to Talk About Kevin.

Are you casting out the fear in India? Are you having life-altering orgies? Are you eating anything at all?

Do you like water, but wish it were slightly less healthy for you?

Sometimes I imagine what she must have felt like when it happened. I wonder if she saw the truck, or the driver’s eyes.

A very smart person once asked me, “Why is the sentence ‘I don’t deserve this,’ simultaneously the most selfish and selfless thing someone can say?”

Run a cat exercise studio. This has nothing to do with the lasers, per se.

I might as well have laminated tiny fake passports and come up with different phony occupations because my vibrator was basically in the witness protection program.