What Kind Of Monster Are You?
This isn’t a quiz. I’m not here to waste your time or insult your intelligence. That’s what mid-level managers are for. Unless I know you in reality—and I don’t—we are strangers. The one thing we both know is that you know you better than I know you. So, you tell me:
What kind of monster are you?
(Circle one. Or several. I don’t know your life.)
1. Goblin
2. Ghoul
3. Someone who pronounces it “expresso”
4. Someone who makes a joke about being a giant whenever they drink espresso
5. Demon
6. Mid-level manager
7. Upper East Side prep school parent
8. Lower-level department store bathroom
9. Someone who uses the Internet in a lower-level department store bathroom
10. Someone who uses the Internet in any bathroom
11. Vampire
12. Witch
13. A live-Tweeter
14. An undead Tweeter
15. Warlock
16. Yeti
15. Wretched human being who doesn’t like Grease
16. Wretched human being who likes Grease 2
17. A Firestarter
18. A Floodstarter
19. Most Kickstarter campaigns
20. Banshee
21. Werewolf
22. Wine snob
23. Coffee snob
24. Food snob
25. Music snob
26. Book snob
27. Art snob
28. Someone who confuses preferences, hobbies, and culture with snobbery
29. Michael Myers
30. Jason Voorhees
31. Jason Priestly from that episode of Beverly Hills, 90210 where he cheated on Kelly with the guest writer at the newspaper
32. Someone who spoils Beverly Hills, 90210
33. Poltergeist
34. Clown who lives in the sewers
35. That guy who cut the line at Artichoke Pizza
36. Zombie
37. Frankenstein
38. Godzilla
39. Someone who has claimed to be “in love with love”
40. Someone who has claimed to be “in love with THE IDEA of another person”
41. Someone who has claimed not to watch television
42. Any Haunted Structure
43. Bigfoot
44. My loud neighbors
45. Medusa
46. Headless horseman
47. Head lice
48. People who send 10-second Snapchats
49. Bloody Mary
50. Beetlejuice
51. Hydra
52. People who attend musical festivals
53. People who attend parades
54. Homebodies
55. Gremlins
56. Predator
57. People who don’t start cooking dinner until you get there
58. Mr. Hyde
59. Succubus
60. Shapeshifters
61. The girl at this bar who rudely asked me to move so she could use the ATM that was actually a jukebox.