You Should Have Gotten Married Already And Now You’re Basically Screwed

Welcome to my podcast series called “My Totally Real Podcast That Is Real.” Every episode features amazing guests, twists, turns, and anything else you would expect from a podcast recorded in a real studio with walls that is definitely not just a Gchat conversation.

This week, my guests are comedians and writers, Alison Leiby and Alyssa Wolff, who are here to discuss their new book Marry Smart…OR DIE.  

Laura Jayne Martin: Congratulations on co-writing a new book about the importance of marrying smart or dying. How would you describe the book’s message?

Alison: Oh thank you! I think that while the book has a lot of different types of advice, the overall message is “You’re probably going to die alone!”

Alyssa: Yes, exactly. We tried to drive home the point that if you didn’t marry a man you met in college, you should probably just end it all. 

LJM: That makes perfect sense to me. What’s the best way to trick a man into marrying you? Like physically catch him in a trap or should you, like, wear masks?

Alyssa:  Masks can be helpful if you’re super ugly, for sure. But actual traps, in my opinion, tend to work the best. Get him to fall for you – literally – by luring him into a ditch you covered with some leaves, etc. 

Alison: Right. And if you aren’t skilled or strong enough to set a physical trap (which you probably aren’t, since you’re a woman), you can always fall back on good old fashioned lying.

Alyssa: I love lying!

LJM: Well you ARE a woman. Is there any way for people who didn’t have the common sense to attend Princeton to prove to, or artfully deceive, a man into thinking they’re smart enough to marry? 

Alison: If you didn’t go to Princeton, you’re already in a tough spot. Honestly, if that’s the case, you should probably just head down to the ASPCA, get a bag of cats, and open up a box of wine. You don’t have much of a chance of finding love. Princeton is basically the only place you can find it.

LJM: What do you say to the feminists—likely turned lesbian after getting struck by lightning at a Lilith Fair—who think your advice is questionable and/or insane?

Alison: Critics of our advice are probably just lonely because they have no one to cook or clean for. Girls today feel too much pressure from the media forcing them to “want to be successful and mentally stimulated.” There is nothing wrong with saying proudly, “My dream is to be a wife.” Without wives, who would men yell at? It’s an important social role and incredibly fulfilling (so I have heard, I am not married).

LJM: What is the hardest thing about being smart, right all the time, and having all the answers?

Alyssa: I would have to say the most difficult part about being this perfect (you said perfect, right?) is probably dealing with other people who are, in fact, unbelievably stupid. They’re constantly burdening me with ridiculous questions like, “How are you?” or “Do you want another drink?” or “Why are you crying?” and I’m just like, Look, I can’t answer all of these questions. I just don’t have the patience. I wish I did, but I don’t.

Alison: Sorry, what was the question? I was too busy being right to listen.

LJM: As you write in the book, your worth as a woman, and a person, is tied to who you marry. With that in mind, let’s play a few rounds of the game “marry, f, kill.”

Alison: Terrific!

Alyssa: I thought you’d never ask!

LJM: Marry, f, kill: the Hanson brothers?

Alison: This may be my lunch scotch talking, but I’d say move to Utah, marry all of them under the laws of polygamy. 

LJM: That’s correct! Marry, f, kill:  a piece of paper, a rock, or a scissors that went to Princeton?

Alison: This one is easy. Marry the scissors (for the pedigree, of course). F the rock because that sounds fun. Then kill the paper because it probably had math or science on it, and I’m a woman, so that doesn’t interest me at all.

Alyssa: Yes, I would definitely marry the scissors, but then probably have sex with the paper, and kill the rock…before he kills me.

Alison: And at the end of the day, what’s important is that if you have the option to marry someone, just take it. It honestly does not matter who it is. Just get married.

LJM: Okay, two more questions before we wrap this up. What are the top three salads to order on a date?

Alyssa: Side, green, or a side green.

Alison: Does a glass of water count as a salad?

LJM:  I think we’ve learned a lot here today. Parting advice, if you haven’t married by 25, where are the best places to find an ice flow upon which to set yourself adrift?

Alison: Well, I know that Alaska has a lot of options for an icy party of one, but don’t limit yourself. Reach for the stars. There are lots of beautiful, frigid regions in which to end it all. Believe in yourself!

Alyssa: Yeah, definitely don’t limit yourself to an ice flow. Keep it simple! Just walk into the closest body of water with rocks in your pockets. Trust me: everyone will forget about you.

LJM:  Inspirational words from inspirational ladies. Thanks so much for being on the podcast!

Alison: Thanks for having us!

Alyssa: Thank you so much! I feel like we’re all so much closer to getting married (and not dying).

[End Transmission]