A Short Conversation On Open Relationships, Closed Love, And Sink Sex

Laura Jayne Martin: Hi Elias. Welcome to this very real podcast that is not a gchat. Thanks for coming on.

Elias Tezapsidis: Oh my god. I’m so excited. I’ve heard amazing things about this radical concept. Is it as rad as people say? 

LJM: Well, it’s pretty popular for a podcast that is definitely real.

Elias: Yes, I saw it on Buzzfeed. LOVE Buzzfeed. What a great site. If it was a humanoid we’d call it a mensch.

LJM: What are the top 25 things you love about Buzzfeed?

Elias: 1. Lists

LJM: Time for my first real question, what’s the sexiest food?

Elias: *trying not to scream avocado* I think I’d probably go with lychee.

LJM: Actually, most fruit is pretty hot.

Elias: Nothing like a bunch of gelatinous lychees on a hot summer day on a Chinatown rooftop while you’re naked—seedy observation.

LJM: Speaking of seedy, what is your favorite room in which to kiss people? 

Elias: Anywhere works except the bathroom. I don’t like shower sex. 

LJM: What about sink sex? Toilet sex?

Elias: The wetness gets in the texture of skin. Sink sex, I’ve never had. And yeah back to skin, what s your favorite song from Rihanna’s LOUD?

LJM: Probably the one where she vocalizes in the intro.

Elias: Sorry I’m asking the questions. I have an investigatory nature.

LJM: Switching gears, where do you spin?

Elias: SoulCycle is my #1 choice, but also MY HEAD.

LJM: Next question, why do you love Lindsay Lohan, in 4 lines?

Elias: Okay. Snorting the first three. I JUST LIKE THAT SHE S THE INTERNET. Also, I dig that she was queer unapologetically.

LJM: I agree, plus I liked her in Mean Girls.

Elias: She was the first lipstick female person teenage star to not explain her sexuality.

LJM I haven’t researched that.

Elias: She hasn’t done much serious work.

LJM: What about Freaky Friday?

Elias: I don’t like Freaky Friday… she’s too young in it. (for me)

LJM: Since this is an audio podcast, I feel like that was a verbal subtweet.

Elias: It was. Laura, I don’t get why you like Lolitas. It weirds me out.

LJM: This is the thing about me that you choose to be weirded out by?

Elias: I thought I wasn’t supposed to talk about your kegel exercises and stuff. 

LJM: You are walking a line thinner than the terrifying women you like to …date. 

Elias: They’re only terrifying you because you let them. By that I mean you see their evilness and your fate is doomed.

LJM: How does one avoid that? 

Elias: I think I’ll keep dating food.

LJM: It’s probably for the best.

Elias: It’s going very well!

LJM: Is there a Grindr for food? 

Elias: Seamless? 

LJM: Foodr. 

Elias: Am I supposed to pretend I’m naturally thin and blessed here? 

LJM: You are as thin as me. Since this is an audio podcast I will elaborate: I am a thin “woman.”

Elias: OMG Dear listeners, this is where you must know the podcast monster behind this microphone believes in open love. LIKE ACTUALLY. She’s a man I tell you. 

LJM: Listeners, I believe in open sex and closed love.

Elias: OMG STOP BEING SUCH A MAN.

LJM: Does that make me a monster?

Elias: Open sex when in closed love?

LJM: Sort of. I think, ideally, if you’re lucky enough to find someone you truly love that it should not prohibit you from having sex with other people. You, much more than me, exist in circles where this is the norm. 

Elias: You’re transgressing all norms.

LJM: I think many people believe in those things.

Elias: Yeah, that’s why some of my romantic interests are not interesting me. But as a Taurus, I want stability, a nice home.

LJM: As a Taurus?!

Elias: And above all lots of good food and sex 4 evah.

LJM: I think we can wrap up here. Thanks so much for coming on the podcast, Elias. 

Elias: Great. I loved being the lady here. * burps, farts *

LJM: No lady could maintain your jawline and facial hair.

—END TRANSMISSION—