25 Reasons My High School Is Better Than Yours

My high school is better than your high school.

1. My high school wins all the sports games. Except for the ones that it loses to learn valuable life lessons, so it can also beat you at sportsmanship.

2. Our mascot is the Sabertoothed Timberlake. A quintuple threat, the Sabertoothed Timberlake can sing, dance, act, shred your tendons to ribbons, and do it all while pulling off a fedora.

3. The lunch lady at my high school makes chocolate chip cookies that are so raw they got five people pregnant.  Luckily, they were only pregnant with cookies, so they just pooped them out and ate them.

4. My high school has never had a senior prank, because we aren’t fucking joking.

5. In 1987, an epic food fight broke out at my high school. It is still going on.

6. The walls of my high school aren’t lined with lockers. They are lined with silver. We have to keep our books in the classrooms, but the upside is the silver lining.

7. My high school does not have any water fountains. Since the school’s founding in 1950, every student has maintained perfect hydration.

8. In Chemistry class, we just watch a ton of romantic comedies.

9. Our Quarterback is a Quarter Horse. He is an explosive powerhouse who runs the 40 in 0.2 seconds.  He also gives rides during halftime.   He has an okay arm, for a leg.

10. The last pep rally at my high school created so much pep that the pep levels inside the room became dangerous and the state legislature had to write a new law regulating gymnasia pep emissions.

11. A hall pass from my high school can also be used to enter Canada, Mexico, or to give you a guilt-free week off from your spouse.

12. Our Sadie Hawkins dance is just called “the dance” because girls can ask whomever they like to whatever they like whenever they like.  So can guys.  So can our large population of student robots.

13. Every time an unannounced classroom exam is given, the teacher MUST say, “Pop quiz, hot shot.”

14. Our library is filled with great books, and next door to our liberry, which is filled with delicious berries.

15. The principal at my high school is a tree. When kids misbehave they are sent to sit underneath him and let wisdom emanate from the shade his branches provide to them. With the cooled strength they receive, they are empowered to follow their internal compass to the right path.  Also, you just leave detention whenever you want and the principal can’t stop you, because he’s a tree.

16.  No teacher has ever, or would ever, make a student, “Go back and try that again, except this time, walk instead of run.”

17. No student has ever, or would ever, make a teacher a weak-ass baking soda volcano. We have a proud, historic tradition of using only genuine molten lava in all science projects. It’s sort of like an honor code, but with lava.

18. Every summer book report is done orally to the theme of Grease’s “Summer Lovin’.”

19. We don’t call our women’s sports teams “The Lady Timberlakes” because inserting the word “lady” before the name of a team is some fucking bullshit.

20. Our bleachers are made of a rich mahogany and our mahogany is made of a rich milk chocolate.

21. There are a ton of cliques at my high school, but they all get along super well ever since the school mandated morning trust falls.

22.  Every school play includes the scene from the 1982 ABC Afterschool Special “Desperate Lives” where Helen Hunt jumps out of the school’s second floor window on angel dust made in the chemistry lab and SURVIVES.

23. We teach Sex Ed in the shop room and shop in the health room.  Did you know you can make a gorgeous bird feeder out of three condoms and an anatomical model of the uterus?

24. Instead of student elections or homecoming court, we just have an actual popularity contest. The posters are mostly tasteful.

25. Lunch is pizza. Pizza is lunch. Pizza forever.