My Totally Real Podcast That Is Real: Episode 1 Oliver Miller And Brad Pike
Brad Pike joined the conversation
Oliver Miller joined the conversation
Laura Jayne Martin: Hey Brad, Hey Oliver. Welcome to my podcast. Thanks for being my first guests.
Brad Pike: This is a podcast?
Laura Jayne Martin: Yes, have you never heard of a podcast? It’s kind of like a radio show for the Internet, but with a weird theme and a bad name.
Oliver Miller: Why are we pretending that this is a podcast?
Laura Jayne Martin: No Oliver, we’re not pretending. This IS a podcast.
Brad Pike: This is text, not audio. I’m very upset by the cognitive dissonance here.
Oliver Miller: It’s like an avant-garde joke that I don’t get.
Laura Jayne Martin: It’s my totally real podcast. You guys aren’t being very good guests so far. Here’s my first question: What is the name of the last cat you touched?
Oliver Miller: I have a story about the last cat. But I’d like to hear from Brad first.
Brad Pike: The last cat I touched was my friend’s cat Menken.
Laura Jayne Martin: As in H.L. Mencken? Oh, sorry you said “Menken.” I thought you said “Mencken.” I misheard you, because this is a podcast.
Oliver Miller: Was that Brad’s whole story?
Laura Jayne Martin: What was Menken’s personality?
Brad Pike: To be honest, I’m looking at this on Windows Explorer, and now the text has gone below the screen and I can’t see what’s being typed anymore, but I will talk about Menken now… As if I can see what’s being said.
Laura Jayne Martin: Brad, we’re sitting in a studio.
Oliver Miller: Please stop doing this Laura.
Laura Jayne Martin: Oliver, do YOU have a cat story?
Oliver Miller: Yes. I do. But I’d like to hear from Brad about Menken. What was touching him like?
Laura Jayne Martin: I think you mean petting.
Brad Pike: Oh, now I can see a little bit. Menken is named after a Disney composer and liked being petted unlike many cats, who, as a species, tend to be antisocial and neurotic.
Laura Jayne Martin: It’s weird that I can see Oliver right here, so I know he’s not a cat, and yet…
Oliver Miller: So, my girlfriend and I keep going to the pound. I am really poor and I live in a garage with a bee hive in it.
Laura Jayne Martin: What’s the name of the last bee you touched?
Oliver Miller: I stomped on a bee. I felt so bad. They’re bumblebees. They can’t even hurt you.
Laura Jayne Martin: I killed a mouse with a Tupperware. It was an accident.
Oliver Miller: I just killed it because it was buzzing. They buzz ALL DAY.
Laura Jayne Martin: Brad, what’s the name of the last thing you killed?
Oliver Miller: But it’s just an annoying sound.
Brad Pike: I DO NOT TOUCH BEES. THEY ARE NOT CUTE OR AFFECTIONATE ANIMALS.
Laura Jayne Martin: Brad, no need to shout. The microphone is picking you up great.
Oliver Miller: But so we keep going to the pound. Anyway, but they have cats by PRICE. The cat I love is $95. That’s the last cat I petted. His name is “Biblo.” I would rename him “Jack.”
Brad Pike: I like “Biblo” better. It’s unique and onomatopoetic.
Laura Jayne Martin: Wait “bilbo” is also the SOUND the cat makes?
Oliver Miller: So we keep going back and looking at shittier cats. There are $25 cats, $5 cats…
Brad Pike: Discount cat warehouse.
Laura Jayne Martin: TJ Catss.
Oliver Miller: I keep trying to talk myself into the shitty cheap cats, but they suck. And $95 = like seven bucks a year in cat life terms.
Laura Jayne Martin: So this is an investment for you?
Brad Pike: 7 bucks a year. Better than Netflix.
Oliver Miller: In conclusion, if my girlfriend is reading this, WTF?
Laura Jayne Martin: Oliver, your girlfriend is totally going to subscribe to my podcast. Everyone is. It’s free. My podcast is cheaper than the shittiest cat.
Brad Pike: This is just a gchat. Not a podcast. They would subscribe to edited gchats.
Laura Jayne Martin: Let’s talk morning routines!
Brad Pike: When I wake up, I roll over and start downloading podcasts to listen to, because that’s how podcasts work.
Oliver Miller: I feel like my morning routine is too terrifying.
Laura Jayne Martin: Oh please, I’m sure the listeners can take it.
Brad Pike: He means gross.
Oliver Miller: Brad and I both live in basements.
Brad Pike: Oh, yes, I did for a year or so.
Oliver Miller: My office is just a bee-infested garage cave. Oh, you’re out of the basement now.
Brad Pike: Now, I moved into an apartment above the earth with four roommates.
Laura Jayne Martin: Congrats on making it to the surface!
Brad Pike: A Morlock no longer!
Oliver Miller: But Brad sleeps on a mattress. I want to hear more about the mattress. Because I’ve lived that, I’ve done that.
Laura Jayne Martin: Oliver, I feel like you’re trying to horn in on my hosting. But I DO like this question.
Brad Pike: It’s actually a pretty sustainable way of sleeping for me. I don’t get uncomfortable really, and if I have to move out quickly, it rolls right up.
Oliver Miller: An air mattress really says, “Hey, I think I might not totes… be ready to bring a girl back home yet.”
Brad Pike: Well, that’s a problem, yes.
Laura Jayne Martin: Brad, just tell her she is too beautiful for a bed. That’s how I get the ladies, by having a bed or being very condescending about not having one.
Oliver Miller: An air mattress reminds me of thinking of reasons why we should NOT go back to my apartment.
Brad Pike: I have a lot of anxiety regarding the “minimalism” of my room, the lack of possessions, of a bed, of an actual desk, of clothes, etc.
Laura Jayne Martin: No, I think that’s appealing.
Oliver Miller: What is in your room? Wait, there’s no bed?
Laura Jayne Martin: He has a bed. He has an aero bed.
Oliver Miller: He just said he has no bed. Now we’re just bickering.
Laura Jayne Martin: Let’s not ask Brad.
Brad Pike: I have an aero bed. It’s not a real bed.
Laura Jayne Martin: Oh, it’s real. It’s as real as this podcast, which is the Coca Cola of podcasts—i.e. the real thing.
Oliver Miller: So, let’s go back to that thing that with the aero bed.
Brad Pike: It does not constitute an actual bed, i.e. a thing with a frame, box springs, etc.
Oliver Miller: Oh, but it’s not inflatable?
Laura Jayne Martin: Brad, I sense you’re a little insecure about this bed situation, but I like it.
Oliver Miller: I’m just going to take over now.
Laura Jayne Martin: Oliver.
Oliver Miller: Laura.
Laura Jayne Martin: Do you understand what an aero bed is?
Oliver Miller: No. I don’t.
Laura Jayne Martin: Clearly.
Oliver Miller: Is it a cheap bed?
Laura Jayne Martin: I can’t explain objects to you.
Oliver Miller: Do you have to inflate it every day?
Brad Pike: Nope.
Laura Jayne Martin: Okay, Oliver, please describe your bed. Wait let me guess, a hammock?
Brad Pike: A pile of newspaper.
Oliver Miller: I have a boring cheap bed on those like 25% metal frame things that moves when you have sex on it.
Brad Pike: Mine is actually very sturdy and only has to be refilled a bit with air once every couple months.
Laura Jayne Martin: Oliver, maybe you should get an aero bed.
Oliver Miller: I’m going to try to take over again. So Laura.
Brad Pike: No, Oliver. No.
Laura Jayne Martin: Oliver, it’s not “taking over” to ask me questions. That is allowed on a podcast.
Oliver Miller: I have so many questions aaah!
Brad Pike: No, Oliver.
Oliver Miller: So you’re a gay person? Who do you like better, me or Brad?
Laura Jayne Martin: Yes, I am, but I prefer a gay HUMAN.
Oliver Miller: Is it true that you’re sleeping with [REDACTED]?
Laura Jayne Martin: Oliver, yikes.
Brad Pike: Oh boy.
Oliver Miller: How many people have we all slept with?
Laura Jayne Martin: Well THIS is definitely getting cut.
<<TIME JUMP>>
Oliver Miller: I sent that hooker to you!
Brad Pike: Oliver, calm down.
Laura Jayne Martin: Oliver, I know you weren’t talking to me and that it was a joke, but don’t actually send any hookers here okay? I feel like, I HAVE to say that.
Oliver Miller: Fine, where were we? This guy had cancelled on her at the last minute and he still paid her $900!
Laura Jayne Martin: Or approximately 10 cats.
Brad Pike: If cats were currency, rich people would smell like cat shit all the time.
Oliver Miller: That’s beautiful, Bradley.
Laura Jayne Martin: If cats were currency, currency would be called “purrency.”
Oliver Miller: If cats were currency… um.
Laura Jayne Martin: Oliver you already had that great story about going to the pound.
Brad Pike: It’s right there, Oliver. It’d be called “meowney.”
Oliver Miller: Federal purr-serve board. Nailed it!
Laura Jayne Martin: So for my next topic, what would you rename yourself?
Brad Pike: I have a very good frat boy football player Harvard alum name.
Oliver Miller: I dunno, but my porn name which, of course (name of first cat) + (name of the street you grew up on) =
Laura Jayne Martin: Oliver, lean into the microphone. I barely heard that equal sign.
Oliver Miller So, mine is Dustin Windsor, which isn’t too bad.
Laura Jayne Martin: I never have had a cat so mine would be Blank Sixth.
Oliver Miller: Brad, what’s your porn name?
Brad Pike: My porn name would be Dick Mud.
Laura Jayne Martin: My drag name would be Dick Van Dyke.
Brad Pike: Oh, that’s good.
Oliver Miller: You guys are not taking this seriously enough! And it’s making me mad!
Laura Jayne Martin: Well what if you were going to transition, what new name would you pick?
Brad Pike: I like Amelia.
Oliver Miller: Um, “Illyana.”
Laura Jayne Martin: Why did it sound like that name was in quotes?
Oliver Miller: In case anyone reading this transcript gets confused…
Laura Jayne Martin: Oliver this is a real audio podcast. This podcast has been verified by captcha!
Oliver Miller: …in all of this craziness.
Laura Jayne Martin: It’s notarized in two different states as a podcast.
Brad Pike: We can’t end on porn names.
Laura Jayne Martin: Last question, what are your hobbies? Oliver, yours is killing bees. Do you have any others?
Oliver Miller: That is true. Ugh, I feel so bad. It’s like killing a poem each time, but they suck so bad.
Laura Jayne Martin: Okay, so you’re going to stick with killing bees are a hobby.
Oliver Miller: I type my novel on a vintage manual typewriter and draw drawings.
Laura Jayne Martin: Okay, that’s more relatable.
Oliver Miller: I do it while sitting alone in a shed.
Laura Jayne Martin: Okay, slightly less relatable.
Oliver Miller: Could I be more cute and hipster? I just need the right woman to save me. Also I drink.
Laura Jayne Martin: So Brad, hobbies?
Brad Pike: Um, I paint, improvise, and write a lot.
Laura Jayne Martin: You paint watercolor?
Brad Pike: No acrylic. They’re like these childlike, adventure time looking paintings.
Oliver Miller: Aw. Wait, do you have a cat, Brad? Sorry to interrupt.
Laura Jayne Martin: No go ahead I’ll allow it. (I’m the judge from every Law & Order.)
Oliver Miller: I’d be weird if you didn’t, all that love for cats—if it wasn’t real.
Brad Pike: I don’t have a cat right now because my roommate’s allergic, due to his poor malformed soul.
Oliver Miller: OH NO that’s the worst.
Brad Pike: Only one of my four roommates, just one bad apple. He ruins the world for the rest of us, by being born flawed.
Laura Jayne Martin: Yes, isn’t the word “allergy” from the Latin words meaning “head flaw”?
Brad Pike: This is one of my paintings.
(Brad Pike shows us a painting in the very real studio and definitely does not just send us a link.)
Laura Jayne Martin: Oh cool Brad. That painting is amazing.
Oliver Miller: That is very allegorical; one guy is made of tears with a hat.
Brad Pike: Yeah, probably.
Laura Jayne Martin: Since this is a podcast I’m glad you’re describing it. Listeners, just imagine a very cool painting.
Brad Pike: You mean readers.
Oliver Miller: One should never ask an artist to discuss their work.
Laura Jayne Martin: I think that’s a good coherent note to end on. Thanks so much you guys for coming on my podcast. See you next time on this totally real podcast that is real.
(End transmission) 
