25 Things I Would Do If I Could Emit Lasers

1. Immediately blast anyone who calls anything “2000 and late.”

2. Make the background of every picture that I’m in look amazing.

3. Laugh in the confused faces of people who are still recovering from Fashion Week and mistakenly thought I could emit “blazers.” Then take them to Filene’s Basement and buy them a blazer. I mean, just because I can emit lasers doesn’t mean I’m a dick.

4. Finally be both figuratively AND literally stunning.

5. Throw away my can opener.

6. Learn how to do surgery and hook up my friends with some sweet-ass LASIK. Don’t tell me that you can already see fine. 20/20 vision isn’t cool, you know what’s cool? A billion vision.

7. Reenact that scene from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast when the Beast morphs into a human man. Also reenact the scene where Belle is saying “bonjour” to everything, because I’ve always liked greetings.

8. Host my own NPR show. What? You really think they’re not going to give a public radio show to someone who emits lasers? How do you think Terry Gross got to where she is? Think about it. Welcome to THIS American’s life. Act one, I emit lasers.

9. Wear a lot of really muted colors. If you can emit lasers, neon is a bit too on the nose.

10. Make the world’s best pastrami sandwich. I am so over tissue-paper thin. Let’s make things Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation-thin. After all, WE HAVE LASERS.

11. Put on an assembly that middle schoolers will remember for the rest of their lives.

12. Run a cat exercise studio. This has nothing to do with the lasers, per se. I’ve just been meaning to address the feline obesity epidemic for quite some time. However, the freedom from petty non-laser constraints that I will achieve once I can finally emit lasers will allow me to completely focus on the cat fatness situation, which is tearing our country apart. I’m hoping to become the Jillian Michaels of cat weight loss, in that I will scream at my clients in comfortable clothing and then go home to a beautiful woman.

13. Star in every church’s Christmas pageant as God talking from behind the clouds.

14. Finally be able to open a goddamn Capri Sun.

15. Facing awkward social situations, rather than playing with my cell phone I would just emit lasers. It wouldn’t solve every problem, but I’m pretty sure street buskers would stay the hell away from me. Who would you ask for money on the street? I’d probably choose someone faking a cell phone call over someone emitting rays of glowing light from their eyes and joints.

16. Got bullshit? Consider it cut through. Also, I will do the E.T. glowing fingertip thing to every politician. Hopefully it will frighten them into listening to my instruction to “be good”. Then I will have someone ride me around town in a bicycle basket because I fully commit to every role.

17. Fill the entire Jeopardy television studio with an explosive rain of lasers to match those insane sound effects that occur whenever someone gets the “daily double”. Also, I will do the same thing during the terribly awkward personal anecdote segment.

18. There is no more tag. There is only laser tag. Also, there is no more breakfast. Only laser breakfast. I’m not entirely sure of the logistics behind laser breakfast, but I am 100% sure it will be awesome.

19. The word “lazy” will take on a second much more flattering definition. Sample sentence: “Laura is lazy, she emits amazing lasers.”

20. Instead of a high security laser grid protecting secret government buildings, banks, or museums, all new Ocean’s Eleven, Mission: Impossible, or Ghost Protocol will have to infiltrate through me.

21. Win every single elementary school science fair. Also, win every sports game by distracting the other team with lasers. As you see I wrote “sports game”, so you now must understand just how likely it would be for me to win one without the power to emit lasers. I definitely need the lasers.

22. Reheat Hot Pockets to an appropriate temperature. You hear that, microwaves? Speaking of food, I will help The Food Network spice up their programming in any way possible. This includes, but is not limited to the following new shows, “Iron Chef: Cooking with Lasers”, “Ted Allen Rolling His Eyes at Laser-Cooked Food”, “Martha Stewart’s Better Than You At Lasers”, “30 Second Meals with Rachael RAYS”, and “Finally, An Explanation for Guy Fieri’s Indoor Sunglasses!”

23. Slice off anyone’s rattail in the supermarket without them even feeling it.

24. Create interesting visual components for professional music videos. Some of them will be lasers emitting from different areas of my body. Some of them will be my horrible original crayon drawings of historical stick figures on construction paper. You have to have one to get the other, no exceptions.

25. Become the new PowerPoint.