Interviews With People I Wish Existed: Awesome Neighbor

Thought Catalog: So, you are my amazing neighbor. Tell me a little bit about yourself. Was it hard for you to bake me delicious brownies to welcome me to the building? Or do you just do those things naturally?

Amazing Neighbor: It was easy. I am a friendly and warm person. What? Would we have a building full of anonymous strangers that only have incredibly awkward encounters in the hallway where one of us starts to say “hi” and then the other looks down at the floor and runs away? How could people live like that?

TC: What you’re saying is that you’re a people person?

AN: Sure, I guess you could say that. I like to connect, and form something of a loose community, but I’m not overbearing or nosy. For instance, if you want to have a spontaneous dance party with your friends when everyone is wearing winter boots, or play terrible music videos from the 90s, or somehow combine those activities, at say, two a.m. — that’s your business, not mine.

TC: I appreciate that. Have you ever wanted to do something and then decided not to do it, because you’re such a conscientious and neighborly person?

AN: Sure, I’ve suppressed the urge for years to have super loud conversations in the hallway, or right outside your window, at all times of the day or night. I mean, I want to do it, I yearn to just relentlessly yak about nothing, literally all the time, in a booming voice. But I’m keenly aware that other people live here too. If I want to talk to someone about just absolute minutia, at a very high volume, after midnight, for over an hour, then I’ll go into my apartment — no matter how much I wish I could do that outside of your open window instead.

TC: Is that the only desire you stifle?

AN: No, not at all. From time to time I get a hankering for some disgusting smelling food. Like I want to find something dead, dig it up, and then cook it in a slow cooker all Sunday. Or I might feel like smoking a near-noxious flavor of hookah. Occasionally, I want to blast police procedurals, so loud you can’t hear the dialogue and the bass from the creepy instrumental organ shaking my floor/ your ceiling. However, I use will power, decency and common sense to conquer those cravings. It’s part of what being an awesome neighbor — no, make that an awesome human being — is all about.

TC: What’s your position on screaming matches?

AN: I personally never have them. My wife, Mrs. Awesome Neighbor, and I use a technique that’s known as “mime-fighting.” If I want to accuse her of stealing my mint-condition Ryan Seacrest desk calendar and selling it on the web, then I will use my body to have that discussion. In my view, communicating, even when you’re very angry, is ideally done via narrative silent gestures.

TC: Hypothetical scenario: Let’s say I’m having a huge party. Do I have to invite you to prevent you from calling the cops?

AN: The only time I’ll call the cops is to call them on myself for even thinking of calling them on you. I call it a “thought crime.” Judge not, lest ye be judged — right? Or if there’s a murderer — I make it a rule to call the cops on murderers.

TC: A very good rule indeed. Wrapping up, sugar, wireless internet, or hallway space — can any of these items be borrowed?

AN: The only thing I’ll borrow from you is a shovel to dig a grave for anyone who tries to borrow anything from you. Or to kill pests, I’m an exterminator/ locksmith/ travel agent by trade — I also dabble in plumbing and installing/ repairing cable and high speed internet, but those are just hobbies.

TC: You’re a renaissance man!

AN: Well the travel agent work hasn’t been going great lately, to be honest. I took on the exterminator/ locksmith gigs to pay for my Seacrest memorabilia collection, but those are becoming my main… listen to me going on about myself! You probably have tons of important stuff to do, rather than sitting here on the stoop with me. Who am I, Cat Greenleaf? I’ll let you go, have fun with your life. I plan to continue being completely pleasant and unobtrusive, and just let me know if you happen to be in the market for free HBO, ‘cause I can totally hook that up.

TC: Thanks Awesome Neighbor! If you existed, I would definitely take you up on that.