What Your Energy Drink Says About You

Energy: the unsung hero behind such greatness as the Olympics, explosions, and high fives. Without energy, crops don’t grow. Without energy, wars don’t wage. Without energy, the stars on our appliances are meaningless.

People need energy, too. We use it for dancing, touching our phones, punching, and judging the way others get their energy. You can tell a lot about a person by their choice of energizing beverage. Here is an in-depth look at what your energy drink says about you.

Monster

You are still pretty pissed about losing that push-up contest. Sure, you’ll get over it eventually, but for now you’re still upwards of miffed. That’s what happens when somebody unleashes the beast™. In this case, your beast, once unleashed, challenged that Quik Stop cashier to a push-up contest after a sports team-related dispute. She may have won this round, but you’ll be back.

Kombucha

You have a specific font that you prefer to use for all your emails. Ugh, no, not that one.  You have already heard about that band/place/thing that hasn’t yet occurred, last year. You don’t remember where. You have critiqued someone, been critiqued by someone, or both, in the past six weeks. You know that critique is not a sex term.

AMP

You have recently graffitied a bus seat. You are currently singing a song that sounds a lot like a popular death metal song — at first. However, if one listens more closely it is revealed to be not English, not any language at all and, in fact, just extremely high and extremely low grunts emanating from your throat area.

Red Bull

If you hear “Moves like Jagger” one more time, then you’re going to leave this club. Okay not really, but if you hear it two more times — you’re definitely going to consider leaving. You’ve been given wings™ and you’re going to use them to soar up to heaven and thank the gods for creating fantastic ingredients like “taurine.” Whatever that is, it definitely does not sound like something found in a bull’s testicle. Nope, it definitely does not.

Crystal Clear Pepsi

It’s hard for you to let things go. Van Halen’s “Right Now” never sounded so sweet as when it was promoting this drink, which is why you still blast it from your tape deck as you pump up your Reeboks. You also still have a pair of those stonewashed jeans somewhere.  And that specific somewhere is on your body, right now.

Mountain Dew

You either: have just finished doing, or are just about to do, something eXtreme. Your skateboard morphs into a snowboard. Your snowboard morphs into a surfboard. Your surfboard morphs into a double surfboard (once you add a second surfboard). For you, the line between long shorts and short pants has evaporated long ago.

5-Hour Energy

You are driving to Maine for a long weekend and looking forward to finishing your novel. And by “finish your novel” you definitely mean “burying those bodies.” Don’t! You definitely don’t mean burying those bodies. Crap.

Jolt Cola

You are discerning. You don’t just drink the first thing someone offers you. Or the second thing offered, or anything on the menu for that matter. Also, you maintain an active E-bay account where you pay for things exclusively with your massive collection of horded, discontinued original Jolt Cola.

Emergen-C

You think it’s really stupid when people waste their time making out in the stacks. Also, you need to clean this Nalgene bottle as soon as exams are over. You wish there was a way to get the cafeteria closer to the library. There has to be a way, people just aren’t trying hard enough.

Rockstar

Your friends have asked you, repeatedly, to stop quoting Entourage. You respond by asking them if they “Got MILF?” You have a strange tan line on the back of your neck from where you rest your Oakleys. The other day a kid asked his mom if you are an alien and that’s where your other set of eyes are. She said “Yes.”

Stolen Gasoline

You are a one-of-a-kind individual with a game plan, a maverick of sorts. You always get what you want. And what you want is more stolen gasoline. Also, gasoline is poison, so there’s a good chance you are dead.