An Idiot's Guide To Valentine's Day

A little background: Valentine’s Day was created in the 1700s by St. Cupid, the patron saint of babies with wings and complaining about commercialization. Everyone calls Valentine’s Day a “Hallmark holiday” and that is because in the olden days, lovers would go to dances in large, festively decorated halls to mark the occasion. These are also the very same dance halls that would eventually give us the Jamaican pop music of the same name.

When people talk about “surviving” Valentine’s Day you should take that literally. Nearly all of the food associated with this holiday is a potential choking hazard. Plus, after two-and-a-half months of winter, everyone has ripped out the batteries in their smoke alarms because they constantly set them off showering with windows closed. This lack of functioning smoke alarms is the second most common reason why all candlelight dinners end in tragedy.

The most common reason that candlelight dinners end in tragedy is that expectations for the power of candlelight are wildly inaccurate — most times to the point of being diametrically opposed with reality.  Contrary to popular belief, candlelight will not turn a frog into a prince and it also will not light a room well enough to prevent stabbing your own hand with a fork.

You want a safe romance? Fill that room with candles. Candles everywhere! The closer your apartment resembles the scene where the townspeople mob Frankenstein, the better. Actually, it’s probably best if you just build a circular bonfire and eat inside of that.

Here are some more tips to survive the day.

Supplies:

One bag: NECCO Sweethearts Conversation Hearts

These hearts have been around for 145 years, and that is exactly how old they will taste.

One Heart-Shaped Box of Chocolates

This is something you can give to people if you want or need to be mysterious.  You are giving them a gift (good). But it is awkwardly shaped and difficult to open (bad). Once they do open it, they discover chocolate (good). But that chocolate is filled with disgusting surprises like cream or creme or crème (bad!). This is the Inception of presents and it will f them in the mind.

Depressing Indie Music

This is essential to setting the mood. You cannot survive Valentine’s Day without the melodramatic wailing of someone younger than you, whose emotional angst is more important than any other thing. In fact, the very first Valentine’s Day celebration occurred two hundred years ago in what is now Massachusetts. A bunch of teenage boys in the Plymouth colony wrote poems for a bunch of teenage girls who rejected them because they were totally stuck up brats that didn’t know a good thing when they had it. These girls are still celebrated in song throughout indie music today.

Activities:

• Go to a singles mixer and bring a lot of singles, because people who aren’t in relationships hate breaking large bills. While you are there, enjoy the punch. You will receive it in your face area, after you ask anyone literally anyone a question. Singles are touchy on Valentine’s.
• Attempt to hail a cab in the rain and then have someone else beat you to it. Fight with the person who seems like a jerk at first. Begrudgingly decide to share the cab because it is raining and then fall madly in love with that person after planning his wedding to someone else. This happens to literally everyone who is Jennifer Lopez on Valentine’s Day.
• See a reading of The Vagina Monologues. This show was inspired by the YouTube meme: “Sh-t My Vagina Says.” It is about a woman named “Vagina” who simply refuses to beat around the bush. It was originally a children’s book and was adapted for the stage by Eve Ensler. Productions occur nationwide on Valentine’s Day and it is the perfect idea for a first date!

If you follow this guide and stay on your toes you’re sure to survive Valentine’s Day this February 15th!