Turn An Inanimate Object Into Your Valentine In 6 Easy Steps

1. Turn any sadness or loneliness you might have into a withering contempt for all mankind.

When you look at other people, they should immediately feel unsettled, as though they’ve wronged you somehow. And they have, because for your whole life they have mocked you and left you and won’t they see, won’t you show them when you parade your love of an inanimate object around in their smug faces.

This step should be fairly easy if you are already considering entering into a serious relationship with an inanimate object.

2. Select your object.

Don’t make it something humanoid, like a Barbie or an Ultralord doll. Anything with a face is risky in that it could evoke thoughts of all the humans who have deemed you unworthy of affection and crappy Valentine’s Day gifts. You don’t want its cold, lifeless eyes judging you or rejecting you. For the purpose of this guide, I’ll be proceeding with the example of a soft pretzel.

3. Identify your favorite thing about your object.

No need to concede to convention here by picking something like its kindness or its sense of humor. When you enter into a relationship with an inanimate object, you need to look past things like personality and appearance. You love the way your soft pretzel thuds when you accidentally drop it on the floor, for instance. Or maybe you could focus on how part of it has been devoured by rats, which makes it more unique than an average soft pretzel.

4. Tell your object why you have chosen it.

You will be doing most of the lifting, conversation-wise, in this relationship, so you can’t start out shy. Be totally upfront. Tell it that the loneliness that’s been crushing you for so long has won. You can almost feel your soul wrinkling, drying up; you’re pretty much a raisin inside, but you didn’t start out as a grape but rather a vibrant person who somehow turned into a fruit and then a dead fruit. And now you’re the mayor of Raisinville, on the remote island of Emptysoul.

But that’s ok, because now you have your object! And a soft pretzel won’t mind any of this! Look at that soft pretzel and marvel at how it seems to understand, innately, what you’re saying.

5. So you’ve convinced yourself that it understands you. Run with that.

Convince yourself that this object is the only object you’ll emotionally need for the rest of your life. Who needs to bother with conversation to be understood? This object, it’s made up of nothing but understanding! Those aren’t bits of salt on your soft pretzel, but flakes of empathy! No one’s ever really gotten you before. This is great. No more pretending to be someone you’re not. You’re no longer constrained by what human society deems acceptable. You’re in an expectation-free world of inanimate objects now.

6. Devote yourself to your object.

You belong to it as much as it belongs to you. At last, you’ve found the perfect relationship, and it’s with a soft pretzel. There’s only one thing left to do: ask it to officially be your Valentine. Take its silence as a yes, and be happy for the rest of your days.