I let my nose break me, but it turns out that, for the most part, I just wanted something to blame for my shortcomings.

I can’t tell you the last time I sat down to eat and didn’t completely fall into a whirlwind of frightening thoughts: Is this really three ounces of chicken? Will drinking more coffee help me burn this up? Should I just spit the rest up into a napkin?

Bonus points if you actually use different voices/accents for the different people in the imaginary conversation. That is a prestigious level of shower insanity.

It is so much more simple to say, “Stop caring what a man thinks, ladies, you’re beautiful as you are,” than to address all of the myriad reasons why that likely doesn’t apply to her.

Does your city have a giant pink elephant giving itself a bath?

2. You’re kind of avoiding introducing them to your friends.

16. Evidence also indicates that we may have had our first bisexual or lesbian first lady.

To be black and to vote Republican don’t seem to go together. But where does this distrust of black Republicanism come from? Are black people really slaves to the Democratic party?

Soon, your honger — your hungry anger — will drive you to eat that Jumbo Slice and/or pack of nuggets as though it dishonored your family name and this is feudal China.

Geeks are the bones of every high school. Not because they’re busy getting stuffed in lockers, but because they’re the only ones who aren’t pretending. Everyone else is pretending.