There’s a quote from Mike Tyson that went something like “Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face.” That concept applies to entering the palace of altered strategy known as Target.

Dolores Umbridge from “Harry Potter.”

Never use jargon words like reconceptualize, demassification, attitudinally, judgmentally. They are hallmarks of a pretentious ass.

Every single day, write down a list in two columns: what brought you satisfaction and what brought you frustration. Look at the patterns. This is how you should be adjusting your routine.

Take a look at Hollywood. All of the classic beauties were brunettes.

“The recycle bins at Seaworld also just get emptied into the dumpster. They are just there to make the visitors feel better.”

I never thought I would still be nomadic. My original round-the-world trip was only supposed to last one year before I went back home, found a “real” job, settled down, and by now, be married, have a house, 2.5 children, and complain about my retirement fund to my friends.

So I don’t hate Kate Menendez because she chose to be rich. I hate her because she chose to be an a-hole.

10. You constantly entertain wild, all too memorable threesomes. (Couch + Blanket + Alcohol.)

6. You’ve frenched a juggalo.

“If each dead person became a ghost, there’d be more than 100 billion of them haunting us all. Creepy, but cool.”