Does the shirt cover four inches of crotch/thigh area, AT LEAST? Are the leggings somehow embellished to make them more “pant-like”?

Height signifies, if not biological strength, then a glow of social supremacy.

Whenever I’m in a drinking situation and somebody new finds out that I generally stay away from alcohol, the first thing they do is tilt their head, furrow their brows and look at me like I’m some kind of unrecognizable foreign object. “You don’t…drink?”

Come across something that you don’t need, need — but you’re convinced that you could really use (e.g. new bath towels, a Frappuccino maker, etc.). Place all of them in your cart with the utmost confidence.

I know, if I am being honest with myself, that my harshest judgments and strictest standards are almost always reserved for other women, by reflex that I often cannot realize until I am mid-snark.

Andrew WK makes freak out songs. (He pretty much built his career off of them.) So does Japandroids. So does Titus Andronicus.

Don’t worry about ‘winning’ the breakup. You’re not going to become the first ballerina president astronaut unicorn by the next time they look at your Facebook, so don’t waste time trying.

It may be hard to believe, but “I’m your biggest fan,” is about the least impressive thing you can say to someone who hears it almost constantly — in fact, I’m pretty sure the guy in front of you just said exactly that, and he’s got the tattoo to prove it.

If it’s BYOB, bring your own beer. If it’s a toga party, wear a toga. If it’s a search party, bring a flash light and tempered expectations.