A gift certificate to their local neighborhood drug dealer, condoms, a body pillow to replace the boyfriend they don’t have, worldwide acceptance of homosexuality, and, of course, a blowjob.

When a friend asks you why you can’t come to an all-night rager, you simply send them a picture of Lindsay Lohan circa today and write, “Because I don’t want this to happen to me.”

I really wish that Laura Linney’s brother murdered her at the end. They need at least one plotline where love actually results in murder.

Pretty Facebook Girls, you are the unicorns of the social media world. Your life is a blur of candid photos that somehow come out looking like something that would win a week’s competition on America’s Next Top Model, and other girls subtly remarking on how cripplingly jealous they are of you in comments that are…

Oh, you’re going to just tell your crush how you really feel about them? You’re just going to do that and ignore my advice, which was don’t text them back for two days and avoid exclamation points?

Now it’s time to check out and also time to ask yourself: “What’s my highest-performing investment of the year?” The answer is Chipotle.

You end up busy with work, friends, family, dating, and your trivia league, but how much down time do you have?

The overachiever is always the first person in the seminar to use words like “hermeneutics.” They come to class with detailed notes, typed, of course, so as to more easily access their flashes of brilliance.