This weekend, my cat died. It’s awful news. The kind of news you want to crawl up with for a week and beg to go away.

Here are my smart critiques that I think would really help Wes Anderson and his movies and I’m pretty sure he would agree with me I have a really good…

Sometimes the people that your ex left you for were actually much better for them, and they are happier now, and they absolutely don’t regret leaving you to get with…

Just as the first person you slept with turned out to not actually be your soul mate (even though it reeeeeally felt like it on that one camping trip), your…

Special shout out to pita wraps, foods on sticks, and spaghetti for also being incredibly delicious, but essentially impossible to eat without looking like a rabid animal.

14. Flea markets. I’m in love with these damn things. Walk in with $10 and walk out with fresh pecans, some rusting knick-knacks, and a Bad Company LP. It’s like…

We all promise we won’t lose touch. Friends forever. You’re like my brother. My sister. I won’t be gone for that long. We’re not going to change that much.

Snapchatting pictures of themselves getting blowjobs to their bros.

4) Turn off your “read receipts” !! Otherwise you are begging to get bombed by desperate texts like “??????????” and “I know you got my message ARE U ALIVE.”

Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.

Take the day off of work, & get uproariously drunk during normal business hours. If you leave home, do not operate heavy machinery to reach your next destination.