Ruminations On Pleasuring Oneself
Rumination is a funny word: it sort of sounds like the act of thinking deeply – while taking a criminally satisfying shit. “Dr. Oz dreams up most of his weight-loss tips during his nightly rumination ritual,” or some such.
Why do we say “pleasure” and not “please” ourselves? Is self-stimulation that much greater than other happiness inducing activities? Let’s see…
“That gingerbread latte I had today really pleased me.”
“I pleasured the hell out of myself with the Hitachi this afternoon babe – sorry the back of your shirt got all wet.” Much greater indeed.
There are two types of men in the world: those who jack off, and those who lie about NOT jacking off. Sure, it was embarrassing to admit you did in high school, but as a 30-year-old man you still claim you’ve “never done that”? Why don’t you ask your wife for your fuckin’ balls back.
I’m not saying we do it openly – nay, masturbation is an intensely solitary experience. It was something you had to hide while growing up, and I guess we just kept right on with the charade. Except the economy-size bottle of baby oil you keep by the nightstand – that shit is conspicuous.
Although mutual masturbation is also unbelievably satisfying – whether as a precursor to the main course, or as its own delicious “tapas” dish.
More often than not, women frown upon the idea of men getting themselves off. “I don’t want you doing that.” Why not, are you afraid of us having a good time without you? Stop being so damn selfish.
On the contrary, the forward-thinking man encourages his woman to pleasure herself with impunity. “Learn to get comfortable with your own body,” he might say, hoping she’ll loosen up that much more with him.
Think that’s unnecessary? More women than is commonly assumed are uncomfortable with or unsure about masturbating. The psychology of that is a more complex equation than it is for men.
To that end, it’s amazing how sexually repressed we often are – usually stemming from our upbringing. Sex is the most natural thing in the world, yet 99% of us have to go through our day outwardly pretending it doesn’t exist.
Inwardly? You’re clandestinely playing with your pussy at your desk, using a Bic ink pen to jab at that hard-to-reach spot (yes that happens).
Or you ducked into the far stall in the men’s room and jacked off furiously to that blonde intern, gotdamn was she fine! Luckily none got on the floor.
Wouldn’t it be hot if that person you have a mad crush on actually got off while thinking about YOU? How awesome would it be if you could just tell them what you’re thinking – you’d be fucking in no time, right?! But you could never.
The difference in women’s daily wetness is palpable: some seem to cream constantly – always keeping a spare pair of panties in their purse – while others are dry as a bone (even during sex). Hermione was so brilliant at spells, she should have unearthed one to tackle that.
At least that gusher isn’t detectable to the naked eye. Men can scarcely hide a boner, which always comes at the most inopportune times…like when you stop in Starbucks after an invigorating bike ride, and the only thing separating your raging hard-on from the Amazon goddess in line is a painfully thin pair of lycra compression shorts.
Masturbation fantasies often bleed over into intercourse – specifically climax. Everyone has their go-to when it comes to rubbing one out, but the biggest embarrassment is being in the throes of passion and woefully unable to finish. My “pop-in” is this nubile red belt from karate class: picturing her immaculate splits never fails to do it for me.
Nancy Friday’s contributions to the annals of pleasure cannot be understated, especially her books Forbidden Flowers and My Secret Garden. Their wonderfully graphic depictions of women’s sexual fantasies were utterly groundbreaking at the time of their publishing, and remain invaluable for those earnestly seeking enlightenment in the realm of sexuality.
Do yourself a favor and read those, and, no matter what, remain a lifelong student in the art of pleasure. Better understanding of your body and what excites it will surely lead to a heightened sexual experience with your partner. 
