33 Signs You’re Way Too Old To Be Going Out This Hard
1. You feel like you’re coated in a permanent lining of dried sweat and whiskey.
2. The very mention of “shots” makes you want to hire your own personal security detail.
3. You’ve crossed paths with a particular bouncer with such frequency, you’ve started to wonder, with incredible detail, what his life outside his job is like.
4. Hangovers have taken on the mantra of the girlfriend who’s around so often, it really doesn’t make sense not to move in.
5. Every upbeat song making the current radio rounds is somewhat familiar, though you don’t have the slightest clue who all these “going out” songs are by.
6. You’ve slept on enough random couches to have penned an Anthony Bourdain-esque adventure book.
7. You haven’t bought new clothes in 2 months, but your checking account looks like the body of Archduke Franz Ferdinand immediately after hanging out with Gavrilo Princip.
8. You have about 50 different one-liner comments that lament the cost of a Long Island Iced Tea.
9. After breaking down the numbers, you’ve become so upset with the terrible investment that is drinking alcohol that you need a cocktail this second.
10. And then subsequently hate-google “AA.”
11. There is no word to describe the envy you feel for people who “have mornings” and don’t sweat radioactive poison.
12. Tell everyone you know how much you hate drinking, in the way a third grader with a huge crush on Sarah tells everyone how much he hates Sarah.
13. Your best friend is an iced coffee the size of a small child.
14. You order entire pizzas for yourself, have one bite, burp, and fall asleep.
15. You pity the innocence of the Senior Washed Up Girl.
16. Your greatest fear is looking at a picture of your liver.
17. You own, or have interacted with, a despicable amount of plaid shirts.
18. The fact that you once sorta enjoyed Keystone Light is a small miracle.
19. When your roommate has a beer with dinner, your first instinct is to find a GIF of Kristen Wiig crawling into a hole.
20. You’ve lost so many dinners to happy hours, you have half a mind to construct a memorial.
21. After falling victim too many times, you took the time to sit down and write 20 worthy excuses detailing why you can’t make it to happy hour.
22. Even that really strong-willed angel that floats around your right ear has come to terms with the fact that your car is probably gonna be staying here overnight.
23. You barely smoke weed, but enjoy talking at length as to why in terms of being a societal vice, it’s a million times better than alcohol.
24. You spent the morning vomiting, and also have a 401K.
25. You’re dangerously close to becoming the “at this point, we just need to set him/her up with someone” friend.
26. Your blackout resume features both proms and weddings.
27. You take to shadowing the drunken Aunt/Uncle at weddings, just to see if it’s a suitable career path.
28. Kids look at you like you might be an undercover member of the (Edgar Allen) Po.
29. In movies like Superbad, you’re starting to identify more with the cops than the kids.
30. The new crop of 21 year-olds/recent postgrads/new wave of 27 year-old sports bar attendees have taken over this place. You know no one.
31. You’ve started to refer to the hardest of your nights as “your ‘nam.”
32. It’s 2am, you have work in 5 hours, and the zombie that has taken over your body is staring at the wall repeating “drank, drank.” incessantly.
33. You’re gonna be the age of this list soon enough. Oof. 
