The Postgraduate’s Guide To Raging Hard On A Weeknight

Going out on a weeknight is one of postgraduate life’s purest art forms. It’s a process all about proper execution, acting like a superior douchewad, and mild depression.

With that in mind, here are some important things to keep in mind for aspiring weekday rage folk. Veterans could learn some stuff too:

Sunday:

We all know Sunday night is technically a weeknight. This was made clear a long time ago—back when time was spent managing multiple AIM windows, when you tirelessly tried to extract homework answers in a devilishly manipulative manner. All conducted, might we add, whilst maintaining a solid flirtatious vibe with XoSoccerGurl313ox.

Unless you’ve got a formal event (charity open bar, extraneous wedding function, are on a show made by BRAVO Television), there is no reason — no reason, Jerry! — to ever go out on a Sunday. If the treacherous weekend hangover leaves you wanting more, may Yeezus have mercy on your Facebook status drafts.

Monday:

Having a solid Monday night is like making proper use of the 8th man on a basketball team. If you try and get too much out of him, he’ll disappoint you tremendously. But if you manage him right and ensure he plays within himself, you’ll get a nice, somewhat unexpected boost.

Not too dissimilar to that workmanlike 8th man, don’t overextend yourself. Do pitchers at a dive with a friend you haven’t seen in awhile. Catch up while pounding beers, strike up a conversation with the bartender, and really get a grasp on the common man’s struggle. Don’t be a hero, and don’t be a JR Smith. Simply “get a lot drunker than you thought you would,” and stumble on home incesstantly repreating that “this was actually a ton of fun.”

Then make sure to not see that person for at least six months.

Tuesday:

The weekday party enthusiast is likely raging on the gasp-inducing days because he (or she) hates what his core friends have turned into. Or more likely, he hates what he himself has turned into, relative to his core group of friends.

So just like a kid acting out as a result of his parent’s messy divorce, make sure to take drastic action here. If you do it right, it’ll almost be construed as a cry for help—playing it off like thinking you’re too good for the people you currently associate with, when in fact we all know it’s actually the opposite that’s true. Again, as someone regularly going out on a Tuesday, this is exactly what you should be going for.

As we all know, the best way to create impenetrable distance between people is to make subtle statements about the direction your life is going. Therefore, this must be your statement day. Go to a weird show you otherwise never would’ve (music, comedy, etc.). Hit up some girl on Tinder and venture to a weird part of town. Strike up a conversation with a 38 year-old who will spend 45 whole minutes calling you out on your issues. Indulge her by doing the same. Follow that up by questioning everything you’re about.

This is all about embracing your independence and accepting the fact that slow compromise could sometimes be fun. Finding the good in a sea of dreary Tuesday is oftentimes the best.

Wednesday:

This is where you amp it up. As any collegiately morphed drunkard will know, college Wednesdays were far and away the best night to go out—bar population density was consistently excellent (not too crowded, not too empty), everyone out truly wants to be out, and enough of the week has gone by to ensure that everyone hates themselves enough to really let loose.

Similar themes apply in the postgraduate era. Meaning, this is the “I spent a lot more money than I initially planned, but for once it was kinda worth it” night. Be sure to buy some shots, get enamored with the surprisingly great music choice, and impress yourself with some unexpectedly smooth game (read: be elusive and get a number, but disappear before you blow it.)

Wednesday is built for people to slowly move out of their comfort zones, so don’t be afraid to prod. Maintain that elusiveness, but if you’re out late enough, you could actually get away with a lot more than you probably think. Many a person might need statistical proof that it was well worth it to get wasted on hump day–by doing exactly that. Your move, pal.

Somewhat sidenote: You’ll have built up a steady tolerance. At this point, you’re basically impervious to alcohol.

Thursday:

Thursday has been the new Friday for years now, so categorizing Thursday as a weeknight is definitely debatable. That said, Thursday partygoers are like the bridge & tunnel crowd of weekday raging folk. Their overall lack of customary knowledge is oddly endearing, and you get to act like a condescendingly superior douchebag.

Many a Thursday-er isn’t so much interested in going out as they are interested in having gone out. There is a huge difference here, so make sure you don’t roll exclusively with this sort of professional human. Definitely start the night with them though. It’s always great to hear about things like “project management,” “really making a push next quarter,” and “waking up early.” Really fawn on his emphasis of the later—the gravity to which he feigns his own self-importance is quite admirable.

Once that’s over with, you and your one cool friend should resolve to go to a college bar–a bar/club fusion if you have that, and get as sloppy as humanly possible. Sky-high on confidence, this is where you really make the magic happen. Resist the temptation to make a move on that girl who for some reason keeps side-eying you, plop down at an unoccupied table, and take a swig of vodka straight from the bottle.

It is here of all places—at the most expected-yet-unexpected of moments—where you’ll finally make that major breakthrough. On that business idea, on that app, on that impenetrable second act of your screenplay. Soak in the music, admire everyone making an effort, and stretch your arms back over the table you didn’t pay for. Your moment is pure. In five year’s time, you’ll own this place.

Pretending is pretty damn fun.

This post originally appeared at BROBIBLE.