Lance Pauker

Here’s a look at some of the more memorable flings in recent Knicks history, with a definitive* determination as to who “won” each respective breakup:

1. A recent study has suggested that listening to heavy metal, punk, and screamo may actually make you calmer. Field tests have shown that this relaxed mindset does not extend to the music listener’s next door neighbor.

The Iowa Supreme Court recently affirmed the right for Iowans to be drunk on their front porch. Unfortunately, the court did not address grievances against out of tune renditions of Wagon Wheel.

Since the Warriors’ current tactics don’t seem to be working, here are a few alternative methods they could use to try and stop the King.

In this day and age, it’s probably a good idea to deactivate every once in awhile.

The city of Paris is saying goodbye to love locks on the Ponts Des Arts bridge. The locks are being replaced by street art, and other strange hobbies people tend to try post divorce.

10. The White House is asking 4th Graders at a New Hampshire Elementary School to come up with a name for 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue’s new hawk…

The road to success is long and probably has a lot of potholes.

2. Cloudy weather conditions resulted in an underwhelming “Manhattanhenge” this weekend — causing significant disappointment for thousands of excited New York City-based smartphones.

4. It’s Going Down, I’m Yelling Tinder

2. After a brutal winter, it’s being reported that Boston still has giant snow piles — only now they’re being filled with dirt, trash, and anyone who bears a resemblance to Alex Rodriguez.

Turning 25 can be scary! Here are some reasons why:

A Chinese beekeeper broke a world record by covering himself with 1.1 million bees. He received 2,000 bee stings, and not even close to enough instagram likes.

7. Last Sunday morning, $175,000 worth of cocaine washed up ashore a Galveston, Texas beach. Down in Bikini Bottom, there are reports of an unprecedentedly irate Squidward.

Summer’s right around the corner. As is a bowling alley, depending on your precise location.

1. Have Complete Disregard For The Health Of Your Shoulder

1. Tommy must take on his apartment’s neglectful landlord, who refuses to provide Tommy’s building with hot water. After years of having a constantly upset stomach, Chuckie finds out he’s gluten-free.

Music ended up being the theme of the date. At some point during our non-Tinderized, remarkably inefficient pre-mating ritual, we got to the topic of tuneage.