I Don’t Want Almost, I Want Forever

Its 3 a.m. and I’m crying again. I don’t know why, because I promised myself I wouldn’t let this happen again. I’ve spent numerous nights wide awake, staring at my phone and waiting to hear from you. Things may be better off this way, but I miss you.

Somewhere between having faith in us and looking towards our future, I got let down. At first, you were my light at the end of the tunnel. Now all I see is a dead end. It feels like the worst heartbreak I’ve ever had, yet there was never even an us.

You know how hard that is to explain to someone? Technically, we were never official. But I spent months falling head over heels for you. Spent my nights sleeping in your arms. Started my mornings with your kiss. All my free time was filled with hanging out with you and your friends. Even when I was busy, I still found time to talk to you. Yet suddenly it was all over and the future I looked forward to was nonexistent.

What hurts the most is not knowing what we could’ve been. I believed in us and thought we were worth fighting for, but apparently you didn’t agree. One random week you seemed uninterested in our conversations, and by the next week, I couldn’t even get a reply from you.

The hurt isn’t any less real because we didn’t have a label. I was so emotionally invested in you; I thought you had given me the validation I needed. But apparently I read some signs wrong. I was so caught up in falling for you and enjoying our time together that I didn’t think to question what we were. We were vibing, and I didn’t need a label to justify that. A label wouldn’t have made our relationship anymore real.

I didn’t want to be constantly seeking validation from you, so I decided to trust you; maybe that’s where I went wrong. When I met you, I had trust issues from past relationships. That didn’t stop you, though—you broke down every wall I had put up and got me to trust you.

I let my guard down with you. I let you get to know every aspect of me. I told you about my dark past and my dreams for the future. You knew my fears and my passions. Yet you still cut me off like I meant nothing to you.

The whole situation just makes me feel pathetic. How could I be so stupid? I’m losing sleep while you’re probably sleeping with someone else. I’m still hurting as you’ve probably moved on to your next girl to ghost.

All I needed was honesty, and apparently you couldn’t give that to me. Instead, you watched as I fell for you. Instead of being a man and telling the truth, you dragged the relationship along and got what you wanted out of it.

I was looking for love, and now I know all you were only looking for was a friend with benefits. You had me wrapped around your finger and loved every second of it. You knew if you texted me at 3 a.m., I’d be over in 20 minutes. You knew if you were lonely, I wouldn’t tell you no. To you, the only thing I was good for was boosting your ego.

It’s been months since I realized it was over. I still hear from you every once in a while and see you around town. You try to act like nothing happened between us. You used to tell me how beautiful I was, and now you treat me like one of the boys. I could never hate you, but I’m damn close to it sometimes.

I deserved better. Next time I fall in love, it will be with someone who has every intention of catching me. They will define things early on because they have as much faith in the relationship as I do.

The next time I fall for someone, I’ll be sure they are in it for me, not just to boost their ego. 

Sorry, you don’t have me wrapped around your finger anymore. I’m moving on to better things.